I’ve joined a cult!
It’s not a crazy one or anything.
It probably falls somewhere between dog breeding and bowling on the culto-meter, but there are no dogs or breeding or funny shoes involved.
The cult isn’t trying to destabilize the government or destroy the world. It’s working with the government to save the world. But … it’s all hush hush.
We are the first line of defense against alien invaders!
Basically the members sit naked in outdoor hot spring fed pools up in the mountains as bait: waiting for the eventual invasion of aliens that I’m sure will happen sometime soon, but hopefully while I’m not there.
The master plan is to offer delicious human soup to alien invaders before they decide to go destroying all those important places where all the most important people are doing amazing things to make life better for all mankind: talk show audiences.
I think they might blow up the White House and other crap too as secondary targets … or just for fun because they’ve watched all those crappy movies.
While the aliens are hovering over these pools, dipping their big spoons in to the human soup, and possibly arguing over whether to add crackers or not; great minds will be figuring out the most effective way to defeat the aliens.
I’m sure saltwater, yodelling music, and koala bears are high on the list of weapons to be tested.
I usually fulfill my duty in one of the regional branch centers, but when I visited the main control compound … or Takaragawa Hotel and Onsen, as they prefer to be known because it’s very super top secret, I was very impressed.
There are a lot of interesting things that the average person probably passes off as memorabilia or antiques or something, but all the stuff has significance once you join the cult.
These things ward off aliens … and prospective mating partners, if you pull them out and get excited about them.
This bell sends an audible sound through something called “airwaves” to attract aliens to dine at the pool.
Supposedly aliens don’t like recycling, Curious George, clamps, drums, or teddy bears. It’s a well kept secret only told to the indoctrinated.
I haven’t reached a high enough level in the cult to find out what secrets lie behind this door, … but … I was tall enough to stand on the rocks in front to see that there wasn’t much back there except a bit of garbage.
There is no brainwashing involved, only a bit of body washing before entering the pools.
And if by some horrible coincidence the aliens do drop by while I’m bathing, I’m sure I will be so relaxed and mellow that I won’t really care what happens to me.
note: don’t ask other cult members in the pools if they think the aliens will come today: that’s a no-no.
I Am The Cheese 