Monthly Archives: January 2011

The Problem

 

People who begin most sentences with

Well, the problem is …

are usually the problem.

 

note: there seem to be 3 types of thinking: “subjective“, “objective“, and “not very well“.

double note: some people are stuck in math class … everything is a problem.

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Today #127

Today was a statement, no question about it.

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Receipts

 

I buy stuff for the receipts.

If places just sold receipts, it would make life so much easier!

 

note: countries without a lot of resources have to be resourceful for some reason. I’m confused.

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Today #126

Today was like a rollercoaster ride … I had my eyes closed for most of it.

The Headless Woman

 

When I was a kid, you could pay 50 cents to see the headless woman at the local fair.

She had a bucket on top of her shoulders with a bunch of tubes running out of it; and she made jerky motions as she rocked in her rocking chair.

If she’s still alive, I bet she’s really old now.

 

note: I wonder what her passport photo looks like.

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Today #125

Today I broke my broccoli.

Ejection Seats

 

I wish I had an ejection seat in my vehicle

… and a passenger.

That’s probably important too!

 

note: red convertibles never convert into other colours … or different religions for some reason. What’s up with that?

double note: I drive a revertible … it goes backwards.

triple note:ha ha! I have an ejection seatbelt!!!

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Today #124

Today I paid my rent for a few months … I think June and August.

ABCDEF…

 

School letter grades and bra sizing are based on the same principle:

the bigger the boob, the further down the alphabet you go.

 

note: I think blood types might work in reverse, but that’s just me  with my O blood.

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Today #123

Today I realized that I eat meals by myself 99% of time:
… 1% of the time someone has to help me.

The Code

 

I broke the personal appearance code at work.

I have to get rid of my milk moustache.

… I think the milk goatee is still okay though.

 

note: the photo has nothing to do with anything. I just shaved off my milk moustache before I thought about posting this. The milk goatee is pretty patchy … maybe I should drink whole milk!

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Today #122

Today  I saw a dead salmon frozen in a waterfall … my soul was still in my body though. That Sting is full of crap!

Bubbles

 

You know how kids make those gob bubbles using the saliva in their mouths?

It’s really easy actually!!!

 

note: we all live in our own little bubbles… some more literally than others.
… or maybe that should be puddles.

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Today #121

Today was like a tuna fish sandwich … a tiny little bit redundant.

Routine

 

I’m big on routine: you could set your watch by me.

… but you’ll have to do it everyday

… and not stand too close to me while you do it.

 

note: doing something routinely every 20 years sounds like too much responsibility.

double note: I’m quite a big personal spaceman!

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Today #120

Today was like a ski hat: warm, but itchy.
(In Canada a ski hat is called a toque: it means warm and itchy for some reason)

Dentists

 

As soon as I open my mouth and they start talking, I know that deep down dentists wished they were engineers:

bridges, root canals, dental dams, braces/railroad tracks, drills, and even toothpicks!

They can’t fool me!

 

note: I think the worst thing I’ve tried to eat while my mouth was still frozen from the dentists were waffles. You never really know where the waffle ends and the inside of your mouth begins.

double note: opening my mouth and having someone else start talking makes me feel like a dummy … a ventriloquist’s dummy.

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Today #119

Today was like watching all the coming attractions before the movie … but the movie never started.

Citizen Kane

 

It’s just a hunch, but …

Citizen Kane would probably be a more famous movie if it was called “Citizen Titty Lip Service”.

 

note: I’m sure this is a hamster character’s name in one of Tooty Nolan‘s books. … or it should be!

double note: I should read shopping centre directories more often.

triple note: I was watched outside of “Citizen” and remained mute around “Lip Service“, but I couldn’t resist “Titty & Co.“.

quadruple note:What’s in fashion this season?
                                        “Two

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Today #118

Today rolled off the tongue like some German word I can’t pronounce.