Monthly Archives: October 2008

Harvey’s Hands

 Harvey's Hands

 

This is the story of Harvey before he turned nine years old and became a little rottenish.

Harvey was born a usual baby boy in the usual way: kicking and screaming.

He was a joy to his parents and ate all his baby food gloop which most people find unenjoyable when they become a bit older and more experienced.

He did well keeping his parents employed changing diapers, and eventually became bigger like most babies regrettably do. At the time most toddlers are grabbing cat tails and other important things, Harvey never grabbed, pawed, spindled, folded, crushed, or childhandled anything.

His parents worried about his uninquisitiveness and took him to the “Hospital for Children Who Don’t Really Look or Act Sick, But Worry Their Parents for Some Reason Anyway“.

Harvey's Hands

After several tests by professional doctors with more degrees than thermometers and triangles put together, the cause of Harvey’s unchildlike behaviour was discovered: he was handednessless.
He was not right-handed, left-handed, or ambidextrous.
He was equally not strong with both hands and therefore couldn’t decide which hand to use to grab things; so, he didn’t grab anything at all.

This wasn’t a seriously terrible thing.
As Harvey grew, his handednessless made teethbrushing, haircombing, and button buttoning a little more difficult; but children don’t usually do those things exceptionally well anyway, so it wasn’t very noticeable.

Harvey's Hands

The big problem came when he entered school.
 He learned to print badly with both hands. He never mastered the simplest of musical instruments and was eventually downgraded to playing a tambourine with out any jinglely things on it. However, the worst thing was always being picked last for games involving hands. His classmates also worried about his feet and never asked him to join in any games of hopscotch, kick the can, or hacky sack.

Harvey stayed away from marbles, yoyos, thumb wrestling, and hand puppets as well.

Harvey felt left out, right out, and ambidextroused out.

Velcro was his only friend.

 

Until … the day his class played a new game: Hide and Seek.

Harvey thought it was going to be another disappointment, but he gave it a try anyway.

He hid and was not discovered. Only after he had gotten a little hungry, a lot bored, and had certainly missed music class did he become unhidden.

The next day he was voted “it“.
Although he had very little hand coordination, his eye coordination was extremely well developed and he found everyone, who wished not to be found, very quickly.

Harvey's Hands

Harvey was so good at Hide and Seek, he was recruited for the National Hide and Seek Team and even had his picture on the front page of the local newspaper on a not so busy day for news.

 Harvey's Hands

 

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The Hearse

 

You just keep driving you!

 

note: Death drives a station wagon!

double note: Hearses seem to get a lot of body work.

triple note: from Wikipedia our friend:

The name derives from the Old French herce “rake, harrow”, describing the temporary framework on which candles were placed above the bier. This also held banners and armorial bearings and other heraldic devices. Verses or epitaphs were often attached to the hearse. Applied to vehicles since the 17th century.

Check out Wikipedia for more info on hearses here. It’s quite interesting actually. I’m not macabre or from any other Scottish Clan.

quadruple note: apologies for putting on two car related entries in a row. Sometimes that’s the way the ball crumbles or the cookie bounces.

 

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Drafting

 

I thought I would try and save a bit a gas by drafting behind this big truck.

I was going uphill at 25 km per hour in 3rd gear.

I bet I saved at least enough gas for 2 or 3 run ons!

 

note: Formula One sounds like a baby food to me.

double note: I finally got my left turn signal fixed! I was getting kind of tired of turning right all the time.

triple note: The turn signal problem was bad, but when I had no brake lights was a lot worse.

quadruple note: Is the plural of formula “formuli“?   or is that just for spatula/spatuli?

quintuple note: I think my van isn’t in the same equation as formula one.

sextuple note: Is it “Formula” or “For Moola“?  $$$$

septuple note: Racing went down hill after The Wacky Racers.

 

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Arcade Game Zombies

 

 

Why do all the arcade games have people killing zombies?

Arcade game makers must be Zombists or something.

I want to play an arcade game where I have to run away from zombies and hide.

I think I’d be pretty good at that one.

note: It’s the time of the season when she’s not there if you tell her no.

double note: if I see zombies, I’m hightailing it to the nearest arcade to git me some firepower.

triple note: those arcade zombie guns aren’t an effective weapon against children. I’ve tried.

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Randall’s Crandles

Randall's Crandles

This is the story of Randall’s time spent in Time-Out city.

Nine year old Randall was like most other children his age: rottenish. He never wrote letters to his grandmother to thank her for gifts; never ate all his vegetables; and never ever brushed his teeth properly or squeezed the toothpaste tube from the bottom.

 

Randall's Crandles

Eventually he was arrested for repeatedly going down the up escalator and up the down escalator at a local department store. His sentence was to be served in Time-Out city where he would have to earn enough money to pay his fine. To make money, children were given the barest of materials and had to use their imagination to create products that people would buy.

Fed only parsley left over from local restaurant dinner plates and forced to sleep on old bristly “WELCOME” mats, the incentive to succeed was great. 

Randall's Crandles

 

Some children made underwear out of lint from clothes’ dryers. Some children sewed old elevator buttons on to even older shirts; some sold broken shoelaces for broken shoes. One child even sold extra belt holes!

Randall was only given crayon bits that were too small to use for coloring. He tried selling them as they were, but that proved impossible. 

Hungry and sad, little Randall molded the crayon bits in to candle form by warming and squeezing them together in his hands. The birthday candle sized candles looked very nice, but they were missing one candle element: they had no wicks.

He sat on the sidewalk with his colorful unlightable crayon candles displayed in a shoe box with lettering on the front proclaiming “CRANDLES“. Day after day people passed by, peered into his shoebox, and walked away shaking their heads laughing.

Finally after weeks of people peering but not buying, a man came and looked interestingly at Randall’s Crandles. 

Can you light them?” the man asked.

No” Randall answered ready for rejection.

Good, I’ll buy them all.” replied the man.

What will you use them for?” Randall asked enquiringly.

I will sell them to people so happy and content that they don’t need to make birthday wishes. Most of these people are pretty old, so they will need to buy a lot of them.” answered the man.

And that is how Randall made enough money to pay his fine and return to his home where he always rode store escalators the proper way and even used the handrails occasionally.

 

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Battery Operated Toys

 

 

Do you remember your first battery operated toy?

Mine was a Billy Blastoff.

That’s when I knew for sure my parents loved me and were never going to let me run away and be raised by wolves like I threatened occasionally.

How could they give me something so amazing? Just give it to me; and it was mine!
Not my sister’s; although she had a Lite-Brite and seemed to be enjoying makin’ things with light. She was outtasite most of the time doing that, so my Billy Blastoff was safe.

It was all too incredible and the best part was it needed batteries.

If batteries hadn’t been invented yet, I would have been seriously crushed.

Batteries: small chunks of love! Almost better than chocolate!

note: Don’t stick that 9 volt on your tongue. Too late!

double note: I had the whole spacekit and never lost any of the pieces for Billy Blastoff or nothing! That TV was awesome!!!

triple note: Why do we have to grow out of toys, give them a way, and then want to grow back in to them again?

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Halloween Part III

 

 

On planetross the traffic lights are changed to black and orange on Halloween.

Nobody usually pays attention to the traffic lights anyway, so it’s no big deal.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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note: 

One, two, Freddy’s coming for you.
Three, four, better lock your door.
Five, six, grab your crucifix.
Seven, eight, gonna stay up late.
Nine, ten, never sleep again.

I think after the first line I’d be outta there.

double note:  Why I don’t wear striped sweaters?

reason #1: Freddy
reason #2: Where’s Waldo/Wally?,
reason #3: they look stupid.

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Disappointment

 

 

I bet trainspotters were really disappointed with the movie.

note: I bet heroin addicts are disappointed with that wrestling show Smackdown too.

double note: If heroin addicts were boatspotters, they’d be looking for the old Chinese ones.

triple note: My friend is a planespotter. I keep asking him why he sits around at the airport watching planes when he could be at home watching TV.

quadruple note: I could keep going on about this, but I’ve got a train to watch.

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Generally Private

 

 

Why do Generals have private quarters and Privates have general quarters?

note: Why are your genitals called privates when everyone knows you have them?

double note: If you didn’t have privates, could you be arrested for public nudity?

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Conceit

 

 

 

 

Conceited people must have “I” infections.

note: Are people with eye infections eyesores?

double note: usually bosses have something to do with staff infections.

triple note: I hear the number of people with yeast infections is rising.

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