Cabbage Rolling Thunder

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If aliens attack earth, they’ll probably want to take out the biggest threats first:

… global warming, heart disease, cancer, deforestation, nuclear weapons, rogue nations, and the entire cast of The Expendables 2.

An alien attack is iffy, so we might want to start making a contingency plan for all that stuff.

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note: alien violence sounds better than domestic violence.

double note: aliens are alien to me … I don’t know “Y” … or any of its friends.

triple note: think globally; act locally. I’m doing my part: community theater.

quadruple note: yes, I know I’ve used a similar photo before: https://planetross.wordpress.com/2009/02/02/be-prepared/

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what I’m listening to now #16:  Toad The Wet Sprocket.

Alienational Team Sports

I think there is an illegal alien on the soccer pitch.

 

note: it’s a Worlds Cup Team.

double note: “our National Anthem would kill every person on this planet, so we’ll just use the theme song to “The Jeffersons” if you don’t mind.

triple note: get it? … there are 12 on the field! … oh, nevermind.  It was funnier in my mind … earlier … for a moment.

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Today #80

Today was easier than KFC chicken … I mean greasier!

Human Soup

 

I’ve joined a cult!

It’s not a crazy one or anything.

It probably falls somewhere between dog breeding and bowling on the culto-meter, but there are no dogs or breeding or funny shoes involved.

The cult isn’t trying to destabilize the government or destroy the world. It’s working with the government to save the world. But … it’s all hush hush.

We are the first line of defense against alien invaders!

Basically the members sit naked in outdoor hot spring fed pools up in the mountains as bait: waiting for the eventual invasion of aliens that I’m sure will happen sometime soon, but hopefully while I’m not there.

The master plan is to offer delicious human soup to alien invaders before they decide to go destroying all those important places where all the most important people are doing amazing things to make life better for all mankind: talk show audiences.

 I think they might blow up the White House and other crap too as secondary targets … or just for fun because they’ve watched all those crappy movies.

While the aliens are hovering over these pools, dipping their big spoons in to the human soup, and possibly arguing over whether to add crackers or not; great minds will be figuring out the most effective way to defeat the aliens.
I’m sure saltwater, yodelling music, and koala bears are high on the list of weapons to be tested.

  

 I usually fulfill my duty in one of the regional branch centers, but when I visited the main control compound … or Takaragawa Hotel and Onsen, as they prefer to be known because it’s very super top secret, I was very impressed.

There are a lot of interesting things that the average person probably passes off as memorabilia or antiques or something, but all the stuff has significance once you join the cult.

 

 These things ward off aliens … and prospective mating partners, if you pull them out and get excited about them.

 

This bell sends an audible sound through something called “airwaves” to attract aliens to dine at the pool.

 

Supposedly aliens don’t like recycling, Curious George, clamps, drums, or teddy bears. It’s a well kept secret only told to the indoctrinated.

 

 I haven’t reached a high enough level in the cult to find out what secrets lie behind this door, … but … I was tall enough to stand on the rocks in front to see that there wasn’t much back there except a bit of garbage.

There is no brainwashing involved, only a bit of body washing before entering the pools.

And if by some horrible coincidence the aliens do drop by while I’m bathing, I’m sure I will be so relaxed and mellow that I won’t really care what happens to me.

 

note: don’t ask other cult members in the pools if they think the aliens will come today: that’s a no-no.

 

http://humor-blogs.com/

Speed Traps

 

After I drive through a speed trap, I usually keep to the speed limit for about a minute and then speed up again.

If I were the police, I’d put up 2 speed traps about 10 minutes away from each other.

No one would suspect that!

People would probably really admire the police for being so clever too!

 

note: A double speed trap would be like one of those double dream sequences in “Aliens” or “American Werewolf in London“, except you’d get a ticket and have to pay a fine.

double note: I put a few new bumperstickers on the van to celebrate March 1st. The day has no special significance for me; I just thought I better do something other than flip the page on my calendar today.

 

http://humor-blogs.com/

Christmalien

Christmas must seem very alien to … aliens.

 

note: for the best Christmas song ever, click here .
(my buddy Graham introduced me to this one a long time ago)

double note: When the aliens land I bet they will laugh at Universal Gyms and will be pretty pissed off about not being invited to the Mr. Universe competition.

triple note: If hostile aliens land on Christmas, I think mankind will be safe. No lifeform could possibly exterminate another species wearing Christmas hats and pulling crackers!

quadruple note: I don’t need an alien for Christmas; I already got one!

 

http://humor-blogs.com/

Slow Leaks

Some of my plastic aliens are leaking slowly.

They should drink more liquids.

It’s summer you know!

 

note: My fridge has a slow leek too. It’s in the vegetable drawer.

 

http://humor-blogs.com/

What’s In My Fridge?

 

Nothing special in my fridge: just beer and aliens.

 

note: another great idea from Pat Coakley at Single for a Reason.

double note: the aliens don’t drink my beer, but I seem to be buying a lot of mayonnaise.

 

http://humor-blogs.com/

Surfing with the Aliens

 

When I was 15 years old, a man in my hometown vanished.

When he disappeared, he left the following note for his parents:

“Dear Mother and Father. I have gone away to walk aboard an alien spaceship, as re-occurring dreams assured a 42-month interstellar voyage to explore the vast universe, then return. I am leaving behind all my possessions to you as I will no longer require the use of any. Please use the instructions in my will as a guide to help.
Love, Granger”

He was a mechanical genius: restored a steam engine, built a replica Kitty Hawk war plane, and fixed the unfixable.

He was also intrigued with UFOs and built a flying saucer shell on his parents’ property.

As far as I’ve heard, he was a friendly eccentric character.

I was fascinated with his disappearance.

42 months later, he didn’t return. I was really hoping he would come back with amazing stories to tell.

Years later some hiker’s found his remains behind one of the local mountains. He’d blown himself up in his truck trying to reach the stars. (dynamite is not good rocket fuel)

I still like to think he really did go away with the aliens, and he’s out there somewhere surfing with them now.

Some mysteries shouldn’t be solved.

 

note: for more info on his disappearance check out these links:

http://www.ufobc.ca/Reports/Collection/collection18mar85.htm

http://www.tranquileye.com/truth/casebook/granger_taylors_flying_saucer.html

Signposts

 

What’s the deal with these signposts?

They are everywhere!

Do you really want or need to know how far you are away from N.Y., London, Tokyo, or Singapore?

Sure, they are mildly interesting stuck out in the middle of nowhere; and they are a good photo opportunity. But most of the time I don’t really care.

I guess if you can’t visit the Equator, the Prime Meridian, the Tropic of Cancer/Capricorn, or the North/South Pole; they are the next best thing.

Sometimes they list less well known places.

I saw one that included Bratsk, Russia. Like anyone is going there in a hurry. They must have had an exchange student visiting when they made the sign. Or it’s an in-joke for the locals.

Sometimes there is a place mentioned, but it has a different name than the one used in English.

Usually some multilingual person figures it out and enlightens the rest of us. It’s almost always one of the big cities in South Africa. I thought the Dutch owned the franchise on multiple names for the same place; but the South Africans are a close second.

I’m amazed there isn’t one of these on the moon.

I guess it would be pretty boring: every place on Earth would be the same distance away.

The sign could include other planets and the sun though.

I can just imagine some aliens stopping by and looking at the signpost.

“Ahh! That’s Earth. Lock n’ Load brothers; Lock n’ Load.”

 

note: Yes, I know the moon revolves, so a signpost isn’t feasible; but I couldn’t have used the alien stuff otherwise.