Tag Archives: pigs



My friend Mr. Pettit seems to disappear around Christmas each year to visit family in Canada. He always brings me back something.

This year he brought back a pig lighter for me … and other things too.

I think I looked less than appreciative and awed when he gave the pig to me. I clicked it a few times and it didn’t work.

I mumbled something. He mumbled something. We moved on.

I put it on the dashboard of my van, looked at it for a few weeks, and continued using a different lighter for lighting cigarettes.

I eventually tried the pig. It seems to work on warm days … kind of like a coconut seller on a tropical beach.

I like the pig! It is awesome! It is me!

Thanks for the pig!


note: if I wasn’t the Cheese, I’d be the Pig!

double note: no one can know you as well as you know yourself, but it’s scary how often other people guess correctly.


Today #131

Today was pretty good. I can’t ask for more than that sometimes: I’m not greedy.



I’ve discovered a few cures for diseases and viruses over the years.

It’s just that the diseases and viruses haven’t been discovered yet.

I’m patiently waiting.


note: doctors never discover the cure before the disease. … I guess you need a “pre doctoral” degree instead of a “post doctoral” degree for that stuff.

double note: bird flu, mad cow, swine flu, …
                                I bet the horses are getting nervous.

triple note: without a chimney there never is a flue season.


Today #129

I know the days are getting longer in the Northern Hemisphere, but today seemed longer by a few hours!


People don’t make food in the shapes of too many animals.

I guess people don’t really want to eat a piece of pork, beef, or chicken that has been molded into the shape of a pig, cow, or chicken. It’s unsettling or unappetizing for many.

But chocolate! … you can mold any animal shape out of that stuff and people will eat it and ask for seconds.

People must be chocolate desensitized.

I’m glad I wasn’t born a chocolate animal.


note:It looks like a human baby! I get the head!”

double note: the things in the photo are Butaman, pork filled dumpling thingeys.

triple note: I didn’t eat one of them this time. I tried the venison filled ones.
… there were no cute deer faces on them though.

quadruple note: I eat vegetables and fruit that are shaped like vegetables and fruit, … but that’s different.


Today #79

Today was like a Pink Floyd concert. I think it was good, but I don’t really remember too much about it.

Jo Boob!

canned jo boobs


Canned “JO BOOB”!

The pigs are running the asylum … or factory … or something!


note: I have no idea what the message is supposed to be.

double note: the pig is kind of cute in the surgical garb though!

triple note: maybe this is why there isn’t more “pork” in “pork n’ beans“.



I Am



I am …

as quick as a mouse … a very slow mouse.

as fat as a pig … an anorexic pig.

as brave as a lion … a scared lion.

as smart as a fox … a not so bright fox.

as gentle as a kitten … an aggressive mean kitten.

as happy as a clam … a sad clam.


as crazy as a shithouse rat… a shithouse rat on medication for craziness.

note:I have the memory of an elephant … mmm … peanuts are good.

double note: people shouldn’t be stereotyping these animals; it’s probably bad for their self esteem.

triple note: De Niro didn’t even wear a bull costume in that movie! What a rip off!!

quadruple note: does anyone else use “happy as a clam” or is it a regional thing?

quintuple note: “stereotyping” is a bit dated now; shouldn’t it be “mp3-keyboarding“?



In Tokyo there is a woman who has a pet pig.

She lives in the Akasaka area and the pig is kept on the roof of her apartment or very large house.

I was lucky enough to see her out one day walking it.

I just think it’s pretty cool that out of all the millions of people living in Tokyo, there is someone with a pet pig.

She is the cheese!

I am unworthy.




My uncle is a wheat farmer in Manitoba, Canada.

His farm is big; like the size of Luxembourg big!

The last time I visited, I followed him around as he fed his assorted animals: cats, cows, chickens…

Every Spring his next door neighbour, who lives about as far away as Belgium, gives him 2 piglets. In the Fall my uncle butchers them.

As he put in their feed, I noticed one of the pigs was a lot bigger than the other one. The big one pushed the smaller one out of the way and ate most of the food.

“Do your pigs have names?” I asked.

Ham and Bacon” he answered.

“Which one are you going to kill first?” I inquired.

The biggest one” he replied.

Moral of the story: Don’t be a Pig.


note: If I were a pig, I’d want to be anorexic or bulimic.

Johnny 23 Can’t Drive


Winding our way down into Cairns, Australia, my friend and I were too tired to drive. We’d driven from Alice Springs straight.

We let Johnny 23 drive. We’d never let him drive before. It wasn’t that we didn’t trust him, it was more … yeah, we didn’t trust him.

We added the number after his name because he had slept with 23 women in his 3 months in Australia.
The movie ConAir was big at the time.

When we first met him, he was only Johnny 16.

He had a shaved head, face piercings, could do a few magic tricks, and played 6 songs on his crappy guitar. He didn’t drink or do drugs.
So while the rest of us were drinking and doing drunken things, he was impressing women with his 6 songs and magic trickery.

I was co-piloting the stationwagon and saw something in our lane up ahead.
“Something’s in the road Johnny”, I warned.
It was big and not moving.
“Drive around it Johnny”, I advised.
Maybe it was a bag of garbage that fell off of a truck.
“Turn the wheel Johnny”, I shouted.
He veered 2 inches to the right.
“Turn the wheel more”, I screamed.

He ran over the unidentified object with 2 tires and almost took both axels off the car.
He stopped: we got out to check for damage to the car and to see what he’d hit.
Blood covered the left side of the stationwagon.

He’d hit a wild pig.
To be more specific, he’d hit an already dead wild pig.

He’d killed a dead pig.

He was banished to the backseat forever with no protest.