People always ask me, “Planetross, how can I look cool in photos like you?”
First I have to explain that they can’t; it’s a photogenetic thing that you have in your kodachromes and monochromes or you don’t. But …. here are a few pointers to improve your photo-coolness factor without having to buy special cameras with shutter speeds and apertures, or join groups like ISO.
Tip #1: Use bamboo
Bamboo is a universally accepted high quality multipurpose flexible usage item.
You might not look any better, but most people will be distracted by how great bamboo is and just think you are too: Greatness by association has worked well for many things: peanut butter would be nothing with out jam, no Jerry Lewis-no Dean Martin, Paul McCartney would have been nothing with out those Wings, … I’m sure you can think of others.
See how the magic of the bamboo distracts you from the bamboo holder! You are probably thinking, “I want to get my hands on some of that bamboo and be like that guy in the photo. Mmmm …. he must be cool too!
Just in case you are a bit slow: bamboo my friends … bamboo!
Tip #2: Flags and Seagulls
Two common everyday items that most people have easy access to in their bathroom cabinets.
Shake the dust off those flags and seagulls and use them to your advantage. (burning flags and seagulls usually won’t win you any cool points though)
How many times have you seen athletes, leaders of state, and large crowds of people waving flags, wrapping themselves in flags, or saluting flags and thought to yourself …. Mmmm …. that’s pretty cool, but it could be better with a few seagulls as well.
Tip #3: Ball Caps, Bridges, and Temples
Separately these things may make you look uncool; but together, very powerful.
Having your head only cover about 1% of the photo helps too!
Tip #4: Be in a photo with 2 women and a box of doughnuts
Facing away from the camera, pretending to take a photo … but actually thinking about those lovely doughnuts and how wonderful it would be if those women forgot them on the bench when they left, or even just took their eyes off of them for a second, or didn’t threaten to report me to the police for stalking them with my creepy friend standing behind them chanting “eat the doughnuts bury the bodies“.
Tip #5: Be photographed in a cool vehicle
I don’t have any photos of that, so here is one of me in my van.
Final Tip:
If everything else fails to make you look cool in photos, then stick your head in a garbage receptacle or anything else it will fit in to: box, lampshade, KFC chicken bucket, tuba, old cannon barrel, pet carrying cage, toilet, …
If you think you look cool in photos already and are not following the above guidelines, you probably hang out with sycophantic people who tell you lies because you have pots of money, or have a very high opinion of yourself, or are one of the lucky people who were born with several focal points, or depth of field, or isotopes, or some other thing that camera sales people talk about while I feign interest and am really just thinking about what color the camera case will be.
note: all photos taken by Kelly Pettit, except for the Bamboo sign one which I urinated on once, but it’s rained since so that’s okay.
I Am The Cheese 