Tag Archives: Christmas

A Belittle Belated For Christmas

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Sure, the 3 Wise Men were on to something,

… but those 3 Little Kittens weren’t too shabby either!

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note: I thought I put on my winter mittens … but they were really intermittens.

double note: I hope everyone had a good Christmas, except for Tony … who I hope is enjoying a good holiday.

triple note: when you are wearing 2 different socks, it’s the same as wearing one different sock really.

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Things I’ve Seen With My Own Two Eyes #7:    Goldfish walking in my kitchen … or maybe they were Silverfish.
I’m never sure about precious metals … and fish.

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I’m Not A Brown-Noser, I’m A Red-Noser

 

The nice thing about kindergarten is that everyone can be Rudolph.

When kids grow up there seem to be more Dashers and Dancers and Prancers and Vixens and Comets and Cupids and Donners and Blitzens than Rudolphs.

 

note: I used to be a Rudolph, but now I’m a Santa.

double note: the Peruvian Santa on the left wanted to say “He he he!“, but us other Santas explained that it was “Ho ho ho!” in all the languages we knew.

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Today #314

Today I started to dethaw the rock hard frozen turkey I plan on partially eating on Christmas, … other people have planned to partially eat it too! If it was up to me, I’d impartially eat it all by myself: turkey is that good.

Your Present Is The Stocking!

 

I guess before Christmas was invented
people just got presents on December 25th for no reason at all.

 

note: I finally have a stocking with my name on it! Thanks sister of mine.
… I write my name on the bottom of all my socks with a jiffy-marker, but that’s just not the same.

double note: I wrote this last year about what stocking I used as a kid:
https://planetross.wordpress.com/2010/12/21/stocking-up/

triple note: my sister knitted a stocking for my girlfriend too. Now I will have to buy a bunch of stuff to fill it up with. Do they sell leg shaped pillows?    

quadruple note: before religions started making holidays everywhere, people must have had to work a lot more.

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Today #294

Today I didn’t have much energy. I wish Apple had an update for people with low battery problems.

An Omni-Present

 

It happens every year.

A kid gets a present, they use it for one day, and then they forget all about it!

I don’t think adults would get away with that one!

 

note: when I get alcohol as a present, the present doesn’t worry me … it’s the future that makes me nervous.

double note: if I don’t get on here tomorrow …
MERRY CHRISTMAS  and HAPPY HOLIDAYS to everyone.
All the best to you and yours from me and mine!

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Today #101

Today surprised me like a shaken can of beer.

Christmas Treason

 

I used to live near a few Christmas Tree farms:

Christmas Trees look a lot like pine trees for most of the year.

 

note: I don’t know why there were fences around the farms. It’s not like pine trees move very fast!

double note: my place is only big enough to have a Christmas Tree stump.

triple note: Christmas Tree stumps never get artificial limbs.

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Today #100

Today smelled a lot like yesterday.
Maybe it was just me.

Stocking Up

 

Christmas stockings are like dead crows;

they are only good hanging up for decorative purposes.

 

note: as a kid I didn’t have a stocking with my name on it, I had to use the one with my older brother’s name on it. I always worried that on Christmas morning the stocking might be full of Playboys, cigarettes, and whiskey instead of toys and candy.
I don’t worry about that stuff now.

double note: has anyone ever worn out a Christmas stocking?

triple note: it would be pretty freaky to find a foot at the bottom of a Christmas stocking!!!
… unless that’s what you wanted.

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Today #99

I wrote out my Christmas Wish List today: Kim Jong-il, Robert Mugabe, co-worker, …
I mean my Christmas Hit List.

Christmassospondylus

People seem to forget that  before all those flying reindeer started pulling Santa’s sleigh, Christmas had a different meaning:

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… there were flying dinosaurs pulling Santa’s sleigh!

“Santa, red with tooth and claw”
(apologies to Lord Alfred Tennyson)

 

note: on Allo, on Bronto, on T-rex, on Stego!
              on Brachio, on Veloci, on Tricera, on Patago!

double note: this Christmas display had the regular holiday characters as well. From left to right in the photo Santa, Frosty, Hello Kitty, Mickey Mouse, and Doraemonif you were standing behind them. hee hee!

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Today #98

Today was morning breathtaking.

Christmas

 

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas whoever you are and whatever you believe … or whatever you are and whoever you believe … or something like that.

All the best to you and yours … and if you see other people … all the best to him and his, her and hers, and them and theirs.

I’ve got me and mine covered.

 

note: I can never get tired of singing Jingle Bells Batman Smells.

double note: I’d wish everyone a Happy New Year, but I don’t have my new calendar yet … and I’m not sure exactly when it will be next year.

triple note: don’t worry about me … I’ll be knee deep in turkey, stuffing/dressing and cranberry sauce before all you in North America have even gone to bed with visions of sugar plums dancing on your heads.

quadruple note: now I have to go cry while watching “Its a Wonderful Life” for the billionth time.  It ain’t Christmas without Mr. Gower smacking George’s bad ear.

quintuple note: I’m not really going anywhere … I’m just clicking the mouse a few times and sitting right here to watch it.

sextuple note: Japanese kids think it’s funny that I always got a few mikan/mandarin/Chinese oranges in the bottom of my stocking as a kid.

septuple note: Wow is “It’s a Wonderful Life” really 63 years old? It seems like it was just 43 years old the last time. 
I may have to hunt down the ghost of Alister Sims too tonight or tomorrow. He’ll be waiting for my visit I’m sure.

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notes to myself #94

Great aunts and uncles, grandparents, and even your parents are like those chocolate Cadbury Easter eggs; they are around for a limited time only. Enjoy them while they last.

Walter’s Wish

Walter's Wish

 

This is the story of Walter when he was turning 10 years old and wasn’t very rottenish any more.

On his birthday Walter was expecting all the things he’d wished for and had blatantly hinted hints to his parents about since his last birthday … or at least since everyday between Christmas and his birthday.

He opened the first present with high hopes: a skirt with colorful butterflies on it.
The next present was a book about veterinarians.
After that things just got worse and worser: a beadmaking set, strawberry scented stationery, a boy band poster, …

The last thing he opened was a birthday card with a $50 bill inside.

He didn’t know why he’d received such strange presents; but being a not so rottenish kid, he thanked his parents, phoned and thanked his grandmother for the skirt with the colorful butterflies on it, and then put all the presents in his closet … except for the $50 bill which disappeared into his authentic genuine velcro replica SpongeBob SquarePants wallet.

The selection and inappropriateness of the presents was a mystery, but he reasoned “nobody can give great presents all the time“, and shrugged it off as an isolated incident.

As Christmas approached at its usual approach speed of “almost unapproachablely slow“, Walter wished very hard for video games, a slingshot, and remote controlled stuff.
He made daily subtle hints to his parents like “I want video games” and “I want a slingshot” and even covertly suggested sneakily in a loud voice “I want remote controlled stuff”.

On Christmas morning he awoke to  an EasyBake Oven, rainbow striped knee high socks with individual toes, a Little Mermaid diary with a little mermaid lock on it, a My Little Pony pony or possibly a short horse, and more boy band posters.
The only thing that saved Christmas was another $50 bill inside a Christmas card.

Disappointed but still putting on a brave face, he thanked his parents, phoned and thanked his grandmother for the rainbow striped knee high socks with individual toes, and then put all the presents in his closet with the other ones … except for the $50 bill which disappeared into his authentic genuine velcro replica SpongeBob SquarePants wallet.

As his 11th birthday loomed very loomingly in the distance, Walter hadn’t forgotten about the very strange presents he’d received over the last year.
For a whole month before his birthday, Walter wished for one thing and one thing only.
Every waking hour he wished and rewished for the same single solitary thing over and over again repeatedly and re-repeatedly.

On his birthday he opened all his presents: a curling iron, trolls, a crocheted Hello Kitty handbag, a candle making set, a book about fairies and unicorns, and more boy band posters.

Walter's closet

A $50 bill was tucked inside a card as usual too.

He feigned enthusiasm for each gift, thanked his parents, phoned and thanked his grandmother for the crocheted Hello Kitty handbag, and then placed the new presents alongside the others in his closet.

While he was disappearing the $50 bill into his authentic genuine velcro replica SpongeBob SquarePants wallet, the phone rang.

Hello” said Walter expectantly.

Hello. Is this Walter Penny? My name is Penny Walters. It’s my birthday and I just got a t-shirt with your name and phone number on it.” said the girl on the other end of the line.

Walter smiled to himself; his wish had come true.

Walter and Penny eventually met and exchanged all their birthday and Christmas presents, and promised to meet again if this strange “wish mix up” continued.

Walking away Walter guiltily wondered why Penny had not mentioned the $50 bills.

At the same time, Penny guiltily was wondering why Walter hadn’t mentioned the $100 bills she’d been receiving inside her birthday and Christmas cards.

 

note: I’m off on holidays and driving down to Kobe and Hiroshima. I’ll see you in a week or so. Have a good week! Feel free to  wander or wonder around the blog.

 

http://humor-blogs.com/

Theo’s Thoughts

Collected Thoughts

 

 This is the story of Theo when he was eight and not so rottenish yet.

Theo thought he needed a hobby; actually, his parents insisted he do something other than skulk around claiming he was bored all the time.

All his friends had hobbies: sports cards, stamps, coins, trainspotting, advanced robotics, …

One of his friends even collected teeth; but his father was a dentist, so that was only mildly disturbing.

Theo decided to collect his thoughts.

He would put them in jars, label them, and keep them in a bookcase that was really doing nothing except holding a bunch of  books.

He thought about all the thoughts he thought in one day …or at least thought about all the thoughts he thought he thought about in one day … and realized he had too many thoughts to collect all of them.
 He only had 35 jars, so he decided “happy thoughts” might be a good start.

Over the next few weeks he collected and organized all his “happy thoughts” about finding money, ice cream, toys, running through sprinklers, …

In no time at all, all his jars were full!
Surprisingly, 3 jars were exclusively filled with “happy thoughts” about ice cream!

It was a very fine collection of thoughts.

He soon realized that since all his “happy thoughts” were bottled up, labelled, and stacked away; he had a very large number of “sad thoughts” floating around in his head.
With no “happy thoughts” to chase the “sad thoughts” away, they just lingered.

This made him sadder.

Theo decided it would be a good idea to free all his “happy thoughts” and start collecting his “sad thoughts” instead.

He refilled his jars with “sad thoughts” about broken bones, no dessert, vaccination needles, dropped ice cream cones, dentist visits …

Other Collected Thoughts ... and some asparagus too

 

It took him a whole month to fill up all 35 jars. 

He concluded that “sad thoughts” were more difficult to trap  than “happy thoughts” because they didn’t like jars.

With no more “sad thoughts” in his head, Theo thought he’d be really happy: but he wasn’t.

Without any “sad thoughts” to balance his “happy thoughts“, his “happy thoughts” weren’t as strong or happy anymore …  kind of like appreciating being healthy a lot more after being sick … or how a cold Winter makes Spring’s arrival so much better. He needed both sadly, or happily.

Theo decided to release his “sad thoughts” and resolved  never to collect his thoughts ever again.

He used the 35 jars to catch colds instead.

 

note: The jar of asparaguses on the floor is not a “sad thought“: Theo just dropped it accidentally on purpose while walking by the bookcase on the way to the dinner table. He had a “happy thought” right after he did this for some reason.

 

http://humor-blogs.com/