Tag Archives: children’s story

The Questionables: The Brief Case Of The Missing Half Eleven

The Case of the Missing Half Eleven

 

 Violet sat at her round table at the very back of classroom ‘Dandelion 3‘ in the Happy Rainbow Kindergarten. Her teacher Miss Sasquatch was dealing with an emergency. Well, not really an emergency …  unless emergencies happen every other day or so … an involve a mop and clean underwear being pulled out.

Violet was noticing notable things in her two meter sphere of influence until she lost her concentration and saw the clock on the wall at the front of the classroom.

Graham, look at the clock.” she said while nudging the boy in the next chair who seemed to be pre-occupied with something in his pocket … or possibly an imaginary something in his pocket.

Where?” he replied.

Where the clock is. It’s missing half of the eleven.” she stated.

Which half?

I don’t know.” she muttered.

Usually Violet knew the answer to everything, so her uncertainty made Graham stop concentrating on the real or imaginary something in his pocket  and start concentrating on the missing half a number.

Maybe elevens have become ‘stinct like the railing on my bed. I can live without elevens; less to remember. Do you do anything important at eleven?” Graham asked in a non-curious way.

I’m either sleeping or … . I don’t remember anything I do at 11 o’clock!” Violet said in a voice like a lightbulb turning on.

Not listening to Violet, Graham added thoughtfully, “I hope they keep twelve though. That’s lunchtime and I wouldn’t like not having lunch.

When their teacher reappeared, Violet stuck up both hands and called “Miss Sasquatch!“.

My name is Mrs. Kwatch, Violet. Do you have a question?

Miss Sasquatch had an annoying habit of stating her name everytime Violet had a question, but Violet was a patient child.

Why is half of eleven missing from the clock?

Miss Sasquatch reached up, pulled the clock down, and examined it.

One of the ones has come unglued and fallen off.” she said while putting the clock back up on the wall.

Which one fell off?” chimed in Graham.

The left one” Miss Sasquatch answered.

This didn’t really satisfy Graham who had his shoes on the wrong feet, but it was time to fingerpaint; so everything was okay.

 

 

note: it’s all pre-elementary I guess.

 

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The Measures

The Weights and Measures 

The Measure family lived a half mile out of town in a semi-detached house on a quarter acre lot in the “Wuthering Heights” subdivision. Some people thought the area was named after the nearby heath and cliff; others, thought it was given the name because it was boring like the book.

Mr. Measure was a surveyor and Mrs. Measure a pharmacist. They had one child together named Milli.

Milli Measure

Since her parents had been married once or twice before, Milli had three half-brothers which she collectively called her one and a half brothers. She had a step-sister she referred to as her quarter sister; and she had an adopted sister who was one eighth something, so she called her Susan.

Many times the siblings were divided on issues, but they usually met each other halfway.
All the children were loved equally by their parents and often Mr. Measure would proudly exclaim, “When it comes to our family, there are no half-Measures!

They had a pet quarter-horse that was half thoroughbred and half whole grain, named Raisin; but the children called it Edward Furlong for some reason.

Edward Furlong  a.k.a Raisin

The Measures had a yard sale to raise money for their favorite charity, ” The Halfway Green House for House Plants” which grew house plants and promoted “Being Green Around The House” and wished to combat dehouseplantation because deforestation was too big to combat with only one greenhouse and limited funds raised from the charity box at their onsite gas station.

A big turn out turned out for the Measures’ yard sale.
Their wares included: square shoes for square feet in various sizes; half pants with a few holes in them and whole pants with half as many holes in them as the half pants; antique coffee table spoons; uncletique half pipes for snowboarders; old games with missing pieces and missing pieces for old games; weigh scales, piano scales, and alligator scales from Alligator shirts made in China; and garden metrognomes.

garden variety metrognome

 

They also sold: half slices of pizza and watermelon, quarter cupcakes, full half cups of coffee, and hamburgers that they had no idea how much meat were in them!

Mr. Measure went around shouting half orders to everyone and by the end of the day most of the Measures were going half out of their minds and were half fed up.
Eventually half of everything was sold which was almost everything because everything was pretty much half to begin with.

The Measures raised enough money for “The Halfway Green House For House Plants” that the charity was able to build another greenhouse and change their name to “The Wholeway Halfway Green Houses For House Plants And Semi-Tropical Ferns“.

 

note: I’d mention their neighbors “The Weights“, but that’s a heavy subject.

Mr. Weight waiting

 

 

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Sammy’s Stucky Situation: The Bindlings

The Bindlings

Part One of “Sammy’s Stucky Situation” here.

 

Do you know why bulk candy is cheaper than other candy?” asked the supermarket manager.

Because it doesn’t come in a shiny box, have a cool name or a massive ad campaign hyping it“, answered Sammy.

No, those aren’t the reasons“, the manager said seriously.

After a deep breath the manager explained the truth.

“Bulk bin candy isn’t tested as well for Bindlings as other candy.
Bindlings are little tiny animals that attach themselves to sugar beans and cocoa cane. They are like parasites, but are never found in pairs. I guess they are singlecites or half-parasites or something. Not much is really known about them.

Big candy companies spend a lot of money screening their products for Bindlings: bulk companies don’t.

Undetected, Bindlings grow from teeny tiny no-see-um size to ping pong ball size and live at the bottom of bulk candy bins. Most people, when they see them, just think they are clumps of melted candy or chocolate and just leave them behind.

They are relatively harmless to adults, but very dangerous to children. Bindlings are phalangeaters and digit nibblers; they like fingers … children’s fingers!

They especially like nailbiters’ fingers, pinky promisers’ fingers, nosepickers’ fingers, yoyo yoers’ fingers, fingersnappers’ fingers, playstationers’ fingers, coinslot checkers’ fingers, icing lickers’ fingers, gumball grabbers’ fingers, and cookies in milk dunkers’ fingers.

They don’t like thumb suckers’ fingers for some reason, but they really like the thumbs!

Usually they only get a bit of a finger, but once in a while a child who’s sticking a hand into the bulk bins gets a whole bum scratching finger bitten off. And bum scratching fingers take a mighty long time to grow back, I assure you.” he finished.

“Would you like to hear another story about where the cereal box toys really come from?” continued the manager.

At that moment, the next town’s firemen tapped on the store’s window and the sound made both Sammy and the supermarket manager jump.

The firemen eventually freed Sammy from the cart with a lot of shaking and a bit of hair pulling, and without the use of their extensive Life equipment, much to their disappointment.

Sammy never stuck his hands in the bulk bin candy bins ever again and was a bit leery about cereal box prizes for a while. However, he still took the odd grape or two when no one was looking.

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Sammy’s Stucky Situation

Sammy's Stucky Situation

This is the story of Sammy and what happened to him when he was 9 years old and rotten.

Sammy lived in a very small town.

The town was so small it had only one policeman, one fireman, and one personal trainer/lifestyle coach. It had one library with one book, which was overdue; one school with one teacher, which wasn’t a bad thing; and one supermarket with one shopping cart. The shopping cart had 4 wobbly wheels, but they wobbled in unison so nobody noticed.

One morning Sammy and his mother were in the supermarket using the one shopping cart with the 4 wobbly wheels that wobbled in unison so nobody noticed when Sammy began begging his mother to let him ride in the cart. She said he was too big and he wouldn’t fit. Sammy, once mentally going through all his other tactics for getting what he wanted from his Mother, begged more. He didn’t have too many tactics.

His Mother eventually gave in and helped him into the little child seat, which is very cool if you are under the age of 3 or possibly 4. It was a tight squeeze, but Sammy wriggled, jiggled, shifted, and squirmed his way in to a semi-comfortable position.

He was enjoying the ride until he saw the “bulk bin candy” section.

He wanted out of the cart, so he could stick his grubby hands in to each and every last bucket of candies to sample their contents like he always did.

His Mother tried to get him out, the store manager tried to get him out, the town’s solitary fireman eventually was called and tried to get him out; Sammy was stuck.

The Jaws of Life were deemed necessary to remove Sammy from the cart. The town didn’t have the Jaws of Life, the Teeth of Life, or the Fingernails of Life. The town didn’t have any Life equipment at all.

The next town’s firemen were phoned; they had the equipment, but were very busy doing a calendar shoot so wouldn’t be able to arrive until at least after supper.

Sammy would have to spend the whole day in the cart until at least sometime after supper, but hopefully not as long as “dessert being finished” time.

Since it was the store’s only cart, Sammy was abandoned by his Mother, who had stuff to do, and remained at the store. Most shoppers didn’t appreciate Sammy’s inclusion in their shopping experience and either chose to ignore him completely, or made him hold things like fresh fish, frozen foods, or boxes of diapers.

He was abandoned in the parking lot on more than one occasion and only retrieved when the next shopper needed the cart.

After the store closed at 6 p.m., the store manager parked him in the shopping cart rack and kept him company until the next town’s firemen would arrive.

“Would you like a few candies while we wait?” the manager asked.

“Yes”, was the answer.

After bringing Sammy a bag of assorted bulk bin candies, the manager started telling Sammy a story.

TO BE CONTINUED … 

 

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Harvey’s Hands

 Harvey's Hands

 

This is the story of Harvey before he turned nine years old and became a little rottenish.

Harvey was born a usual baby boy in the usual way: kicking and screaming.

He was a joy to his parents and ate all his baby food gloop which most people find unenjoyable when they become a bit older and more experienced.

He did well keeping his parents employed changing diapers, and eventually became bigger like most babies regrettably do. At the time most toddlers are grabbing cat tails and other important things, Harvey never grabbed, pawed, spindled, folded, crushed, or childhandled anything.

His parents worried about his uninquisitiveness and took him to the “Hospital for Children Who Don’t Really Look or Act Sick, But Worry Their Parents for Some Reason Anyway“.

Harvey's Hands

After several tests by professional doctors with more degrees than thermometers and triangles put together, the cause of Harvey’s unchildlike behaviour was discovered: he was handednessless.
He was not right-handed, left-handed, or ambidextrous.
He was equally not strong with both hands and therefore couldn’t decide which hand to use to grab things; so, he didn’t grab anything at all.

This wasn’t a seriously terrible thing.
As Harvey grew, his handednessless made teethbrushing, haircombing, and button buttoning a little more difficult; but children don’t usually do those things exceptionally well anyway, so it wasn’t very noticeable.

Harvey's Hands

The big problem came when he entered school.
 He learned to print badly with both hands. He never mastered the simplest of musical instruments and was eventually downgraded to playing a tambourine with out any jinglely things on it. However, the worst thing was always being picked last for games involving hands. His classmates also worried about his feet and never asked him to join in any games of hopscotch, kick the can, or hacky sack.

Harvey stayed away from marbles, yoyos, thumb wrestling, and hand puppets as well.

Harvey felt left out, right out, and ambidextroused out.

Velcro was his only friend.

 

Until … the day his class played a new game: Hide and Seek.

Harvey thought it was going to be another disappointment, but he gave it a try anyway.

He hid and was not discovered. Only after he had gotten a little hungry, a lot bored, and had certainly missed music class did he become unhidden.

The next day he was voted “it“.
Although he had very little hand coordination, his eye coordination was extremely well developed and he found everyone, who wished not to be found, very quickly.

Harvey's Hands

Harvey was so good at Hide and Seek, he was recruited for the National Hide and Seek Team and even had his picture on the front page of the local newspaper on a not so busy day for news.

 Harvey's Hands

 

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Randall’s Crandles

Randall's Crandles

This is the story of Randall’s time spent in Time-Out city.

Nine year old Randall was like most other children his age: rottenish. He never wrote letters to his grandmother to thank her for gifts; never ate all his vegetables; and never ever brushed his teeth properly or squeezed the toothpaste tube from the bottom.

 

Randall's Crandles

Eventually he was arrested for repeatedly going down the up escalator and up the down escalator at a local department store. His sentence was to be served in Time-Out city where he would have to earn enough money to pay his fine. To make money, children were given the barest of materials and had to use their imagination to create products that people would buy.

Fed only parsley left over from local restaurant dinner plates and forced to sleep on old bristly “WELCOME” mats, the incentive to succeed was great. 

Randall's Crandles

 

Some children made underwear out of lint from clothes’ dryers. Some children sewed old elevator buttons on to even older shirts; some sold broken shoelaces for broken shoes. One child even sold extra belt holes!

Randall was only given crayon bits that were too small to use for coloring. He tried selling them as they were, but that proved impossible. 

Hungry and sad, little Randall molded the crayon bits in to candle form by warming and squeezing them together in his hands. The birthday candle sized candles looked very nice, but they were missing one candle element: they had no wicks.

He sat on the sidewalk with his colorful unlightable crayon candles displayed in a shoe box with lettering on the front proclaiming “CRANDLES“. Day after day people passed by, peered into his shoebox, and walked away shaking their heads laughing.

Finally after weeks of people peering but not buying, a man came and looked interestingly at Randall’s Crandles. 

Can you light them?” the man asked.

No” Randall answered ready for rejection.

Good, I’ll buy them all.” replied the man.

What will you use them for?” Randall asked enquiringly.

I will sell them to people so happy and content that they don’t need to make birthday wishes. Most of these people are pretty old, so they will need to buy a lot of them.” answered the man.

And that is how Randall made enough money to pay his fine and return to his home where he always rode store escalators the proper way and even used the handrails occasionally.

 

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