Monthly Archives: February 2009

Senseless

not Marty Feldman

 

My eyes are deaf.

I can’t hear anything with either of them!

Also …

my mouth doesn’t smell great,

my nose doesn’t taste good,

my ears have no feelings,

and

I can’t see my nerve endings … so I assume they can’t see me either.

 

Doctors should test people for this stuff more!

 

note: my feet can’t hear the shoehorn.

double note: Why do people press the “mute” button on the TV remote when they want to talk?

triple note: isn’t it strange that your eyes are very precious and let you see everything around you, but you can’t see them … without looking in a mirror?  I could be wrong; I usually am.

 

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It Happens Every Year

might as well just buy a box of red ones!

I don’t know much, but …

I do know that between Christmas and Valentine’s Day “red coloring pencils” take a significant beating!

 

note: yellow, pink, blue, and green … you’re next.

double note: orange and black … see you in October.

triple note: Who started drawing “hearts” in that silly non-heart way any how? If you think that your heart looks like that, you are seriously fooling yourself.

quadruple note: I bet more chocolates would fit into an actual heart shaped box.

Oh! there are few left in the Pulmonary Artery! … Total score!

The ones in the Aorta are mine!!!

quintuple note: “You’re in my ventricle, you’re in my atrium;
                                        You’ll be my friend when I grow old.”

 

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Mona Lisa

Mona Lisa

 

What’s all the fuss about Mona Lisa’s smile?

Obviously da Vinci just painted her a split second too soon or too late.

I do this all the time when I take photos.

 

note: I didn’t realize there was a hand hole there until now! I missed the opportunity to make a peace sign … or something else.

double note: someone should write a book or make a movie using Leonardo da Vinci’s stuff as a backdrop to a mystery or comedy or something.

triple note: Are there trick art cut-outs at the Louvre? There should be! I bet a lot people would visit it then and it would become really famous.

 

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Theo’s Thoughts

Collected Thoughts

 

 This is the story of Theo when he was eight and not so rottenish yet.

Theo thought he needed a hobby; actually, his parents insisted he do something other than skulk around claiming he was bored all the time.

All his friends had hobbies: sports cards, stamps, coins, trainspotting, advanced robotics, …

One of his friends even collected teeth; but his father was a dentist, so that was only mildly disturbing.

Theo decided to collect his thoughts.

He would put them in jars, label them, and keep them in a bookcase that was really doing nothing except holding a bunch of  books.

He thought about all the thoughts he thought in one day …or at least thought about all the thoughts he thought he thought about in one day … and realized he had too many thoughts to collect all of them.
 He only had 35 jars, so he decided “happy thoughts” might be a good start.

Over the next few weeks he collected and organized all his “happy thoughts” about finding money, ice cream, toys, running through sprinklers, …

In no time at all, all his jars were full!
Surprisingly, 3 jars were exclusively filled with “happy thoughts” about ice cream!

It was a very fine collection of thoughts.

He soon realized that since all his “happy thoughts” were bottled up, labelled, and stacked away; he had a very large number of “sad thoughts” floating around in his head.
With no “happy thoughts” to chase the “sad thoughts” away, they just lingered.

This made him sadder.

Theo decided it would be a good idea to free all his “happy thoughts” and start collecting his “sad thoughts” instead.

He refilled his jars with “sad thoughts” about broken bones, no dessert, vaccination needles, dropped ice cream cones, dentist visits …

Other Collected Thoughts ... and some asparagus too

 

It took him a whole month to fill up all 35 jars. 

He concluded that “sad thoughts” were more difficult to trap  than “happy thoughts” because they didn’t like jars.

With no more “sad thoughts” in his head, Theo thought he’d be really happy: but he wasn’t.

Without any “sad thoughts” to balance his “happy thoughts“, his “happy thoughts” weren’t as strong or happy anymore …  kind of like appreciating being healthy a lot more after being sick … or how a cold Winter makes Spring’s arrival so much better. He needed both sadly, or happily.

Theo decided to release his “sad thoughts” and resolved  never to collect his thoughts ever again.

He used the 35 jars to catch colds instead.

 

note: The jar of asparaguses on the floor is not a “sad thought“: Theo just dropped it accidentally on purpose while walking by the bookcase on the way to the dinner table. He had a “happy thought” right after he did this for some reason.

 

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Doing Something Different, But Not Really

Accidents Happen When Bond Is Around! 

 

Lately I’ve been thinking about doing something artistic or creative for a change; maybe get that “single hair” tattoo in my armpit finally, or change my middle name to Edwardo. (now it’s just Edward)

Seeking inspiration, I asked myself, “What’s important in life?”

Clean air, ample food, fresh water, shelter, peace, love, and understanding are all very important; … but Al Gore and Elvis Costello seem to have all of those ones covered.

Then I thought, “What’s important to me?”

Stupid Stuff and Trivial Crap!” were the first things to pop in to my head. (not necessarily in that order)

I like that stuff! It’s what’s in my head and makes my eyeballs go wide!

T-shirts and coffee mugs are pretty trivial! I bet I could combine them stupidly and trivially somehow!

At first I thought “t-shirt coffee mugs” might be pretty creative.

bad idea #1

 

Then I thought “coffee mug t-shirts” might be very original.

bad idea #2

 

Finally. I decided to go mainstream with stuff people can actually wear or drink out of.

With a tremendous amount of help from nathaliewithanh (because I’m a lazy bastard) …

 I have now officially opened a little shop over at  Zazzle

 because there aren’t any online businesses called “Zezzle, Zizzle, Zozzle, Zuzzle, or Sometimes Zyzzle”.

 scandalously clad

 

Don’t worry, I’m not going to quit my day job:

… like I did when I tried doing a Karaoke World Tour
… or when I tried selling shoes that came in pairs of threes (just in case one wore out)
… or when I got sucked in to  promoting the Y3K protection packages.

 RED GUMBALLS!

 

I guess I am a merchant now like that guy in Venice.
I think things worked out well for him.

 

LL Cool J

 

I am a bit disappointed they don’t offer any “2 ounce commuter coffee mugs” for people who live really close to work, but I guess it’s not a perfect world.

 

Nevermind The T-Shirt!

 

And I’m still working on the “I’m with Che Guevara Hawaii ’09” line of t-shirts: I can’t decide which way the arrow should point.

 

If you’ve got time and are interested in seeing what all this amazing stuff looks like, click here

Let me know what you think: any suggestions, ideas for future stuff, or scathing comments would be greatly appreciated.

*Each product line is over in the right hand column with a subsection for men’s, women’s, children’s, mugs, and mousepads.
If you click around enough, every design can be put on most t-shirts, mugs, or mousepads.

 

note: I know I’ll be the first on my block spilling coffee from my planetross mug on to my planetross t-shirt.

double note: the above images were made with the Parody Motivator Generator with photoshopped celebrity photos by nathaliewithanh and captioned by me.

triple note: The drawings were done by me with my left hand … because my right hand doesn’t draw so good. They were made a million times better by nathaliewithanh ! If you haven’t looked back through “Children’s Stories” up in the header, you really should: just to see the fine cleaned up drawings.

 

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Images

I see prints. What do you see?

Seeing faces and other stuff when you stare at wallpaper, floor tiles,  rock surfaces, or wood is okay;

but …

seeing wallpaper, floor tile, rock surface, or wood designs on people’s faces is probably not so good.

 

note: glancing is just quick staring.

double note: I don’t have any extra “evil eyes” to give anyone. sorry.

triple note: I see these prints every night before I go to sleep: they are on the underside of a board shelf above my futon. The former tenants must have had cats that walked upside down or something! (the shelf is probably bored too!)

quadruple note: I may have put 3 blog entries on tonight: you’d better check … just in case.

 

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Jo Boob!

canned jo boobs

 

Canned “JO BOOB”!

The pigs are running the asylum … or factory … or something!

 

note: I have no idea what the message is supposed to be.

double note: the pig is kind of cute in the surgical garb though!

triple note: maybe this is why there isn’t more “pork” in “pork n’ beans“.

 

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An Enigma

no idea

Is this a tire pump?

When a tire goes flat, the little attached wings collect the wind and make the tire spin which runs a secretly placed piston that inflates the tire.

Or is this just someone’s bad idea made real?

… looks like crap either way.

 

note: I don’t think the Dutch will claim this one.

double note: I’m sure as soon as they throw it out, they will need it for some reason.

triple note: I suspect someone knows exactly what this is used for and will make me feel shame at mocking such an amazing thing.

 

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Animal Sporting

monkey looking for a marching band

If animals played sports, there would have to be a lot of rule changes.

 

note: having chimps play the cymbals in marching bands might be a little too much.

double note: “ok! it’s the last play of the game and we are a yard from the endzone. Let’s hand it off to Jumbo … like we always do.”

 

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Simple Explanations

 "elephants" by Linda Edwards

 

 

I’ve just realized that I’ve never seen anyone bring an elephant in to the local veterinarian clinic!

I guess they don’t get sick very often.

 

note:  “Elephants” by Linda Edwards from here.

double note: Do elephants suffer from humaniasis?

triple note: Wow! I forgot to put on an entry yesterday: I’m no elephant, I guess.

 

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