Monthly Archives: January 2009

The Blue Monkey #12

Behold The Blue Monkey!

 

The Blue Monkey predicts:

In our lifetime  “The Catcher in the Rye” will be made in to a film.

Everyone who has ever read the book will be disappointed that the actor playing Holden Caulfield doesn’t look more like they did when they were 16 years old.
… even women.

 

note:

The blue monkey is a lesser oracle who predicts what may happen, not what will happen. He has studied many different disciplines on his path to enlightenment, including: using ouija boards, reading horoscopes, counting cherry pits, blowing out birthday candles, opening fortune cookies, pulling wishbones, watching Kung Fu reruns, listening to the weatherman, twisting apple stems, and shaking the Magic 8 Ball. All behold the blue monkey!

BEHOLD: The Blue Monkey #1
             The Blue Monkey #2
             The Blue Monkey #3
             The Blue Monkey #4
             The Blue Monkey #5
             The Blue Monkey #6
             The Blue Monkey #7
             The Blue Monkey #8
             The Blue Monkey #9
             The Blue Monkey #10
             The Blue Monkey #11

 

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Venting

I'm not an ugly duckling; I'm an ugly chicken!

 

 

When someone says the word “venting” to describe “ranting“, “freaking out“, “going ballistic” or “letting off steam“; I used to have a mental picture of a metal pipe carrying steam away from a boiler.

But …

after reading about chicken sexers, that image has been replaced with a more graphic and disturbing mental image.

Vent sexing, also known simply as “venting”, involves literally squeezing the feces out of the chick, …
(from wikipedia)

 

note: being a chicken sexer must be depressing work with a lot pressure involved … or maybe just a little pressure.

 

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The Exception

an exceptional locker?

 

POSICEPTIONS:

Isn’t it nice to be “the exception to the rule”!

You are the “hole” in the blanket statement or policy.

Your name right after “but“.

Life is good!

 

NEGACEPTIONS:

Isn’t it unfair to be “the exception to the rule”!

You are the “rip” (off) in the blanket statement or policy.

You are the “butt“.

Life is bad!

 

NEUTRACEPTIONS:

You can usually see these ones coming … obviously.

No “buts” about it.

Life is life.

 

note: Why the locker photo? Out of 96 lockers only #126 had a coin slot.

I am #1 you are #126

(it wasn’t operational: but if it was, you’d get your 100 yen back afterward anyway)
The locker numbers went up to 192; I guess the other 96 are on the women’s side. Just in case you were wondering.

 

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Wishful Thinking #6

 I'm going to fly like an eagle oneday!

 

 The rain will wash your car for you.

 

single scoop: an amazingly fine shower of wax might follow the rain too!

double scoop: Hey Mr. Fly! Are you going for a world record or something!

triple scoop: If you’ve missed the last 5, they are still here and here and here and here and here .

 

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Optimism

maybe 2 will come out!

 

 

note: maybe two will come out!

double note: life before math and physics.

 

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Aerobics

working out ... the moves!

 

Aerobics is just organized gesticulating.

I can’t emphasize this enough … 2, 3, 4, and again!

 

note: I’ve enrolled in an advanced mannerisms class.

double note: table mannerisms are very important.

triple note: My sister couldn’t talk properly when she broke her arm.

quadruple note: I have loud hands sometimes.

quintuple note: I’m not drowning; I’m just talking while swimming. 

 

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Money Making Scheme #12

save those trees!

 

I’m going to sell pickles shaped like toothpicks and call them “Tooth Pickles”!

Possible catch phrases could be:

I think you’ve got something in your teeth. Would you like a Tooth Pickle?

or

A little peckish
What the heckish!
Tooth Pickle!
Tooth Pickle!
Tooth Pickle!

or

I’m not gerkin you around! or Takin’ the Mickle!
If it’s an edible toothpick, it’s gotta be a Tooth Pickle!

 

note:Tooth Pickles” are not to be confused with “Pickle Teeth“.

see a dentist!

 

double note: I wish I had some stuck between my teeth right now!

I wish I had some stuck between my teeth right now!

 

triple note: Money Making Scheme #1 and #2 and #3 and #4 and #5 and #6 and #7  and #8  and #9  and #10  and #11  are still scheming.

quadruple note: Don’t these just keep getting better and better? or is it just me? I could be wrong; I usually am.

 

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The Measures

The Weights and Measures 

The Measure family lived a half mile out of town in a semi-detached house on a quarter acre lot in the “Wuthering Heights” subdivision. Some people thought the area was named after the nearby heath and cliff; others, thought it was given the name because it was boring like the book.

Mr. Measure was a surveyor and Mrs. Measure a pharmacist. They had one child together named Milli.

Milli Measure

Since her parents had been married once or twice before, Milli had three half-brothers which she collectively called her one and a half brothers. She had a step-sister she referred to as her quarter sister; and she had an adopted sister who was one eighth something, so she called her Susan.

Many times the siblings were divided on issues, but they usually met each other halfway.
All the children were loved equally by their parents and often Mr. Measure would proudly exclaim, “When it comes to our family, there are no half-Measures!

They had a pet quarter-horse that was half thoroughbred and half whole grain, named Raisin; but the children called it Edward Furlong for some reason.

Edward Furlong  a.k.a Raisin

The Measures had a yard sale to raise money for their favorite charity, ” The Halfway Green House for House Plants” which grew house plants and promoted “Being Green Around The House” and wished to combat dehouseplantation because deforestation was too big to combat with only one greenhouse and limited funds raised from the charity box at their onsite gas station.

A big turn out turned out for the Measures’ yard sale.
Their wares included: square shoes for square feet in various sizes; half pants with a few holes in them and whole pants with half as many holes in them as the half pants; antique coffee table spoons; uncletique half pipes for snowboarders; old games with missing pieces and missing pieces for old games; weigh scales, piano scales, and alligator scales from Alligator shirts made in China; and garden metrognomes.

garden variety metrognome

 

They also sold: half slices of pizza and watermelon, quarter cupcakes, full half cups of coffee, and hamburgers that they had no idea how much meat were in them!

Mr. Measure went around shouting half orders to everyone and by the end of the day most of the Measures were going half out of their minds and were half fed up.
Eventually half of everything was sold which was almost everything because everything was pretty much half to begin with.

The Measures raised enough money for “The Halfway Green House For House Plants” that the charity was able to build another greenhouse and change their name to “The Wholeway Halfway Green Houses For House Plants And Semi-Tropical Ferns“.

 

note: I’d mention their neighbors “The Weights“, but that’s a heavy subject.

Mr. Weight waiting

 

 

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I’m An Electricity Failure Failure

2 score and 4 at the moment

When there is a blackout, birthday candles are pretty useless;

because … what are the chances of it happening on your birthday, or … actually having any birthday cake close at hand!

 

note: power outages always happen at the wrong time … it’s always the wrong time after a power outage too.

double note: I think I lose a lot of my daylight savings at night!

triple note: power poles during a blackout are just boring totem poles.

 

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The Perineum

gynecologist snowman

I call the dentist and doctor
a “pair of neum”
because
I rarely see ’em.

 

note: I’ll blame Ogden Nash  , a bit of insomnia, and my father for this one.

 

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