The Measures

The Weights and Measures 

The Measure family lived a half mile out of town in a semi-detached house on a quarter acre lot in the “Wuthering Heights” subdivision. Some people thought the area was named after the nearby heath and cliff; others, thought it was given the name because it was boring like the book.

Mr. Measure was a surveyor and Mrs. Measure a pharmacist. They had one child together named Milli.

Milli Measure

Since her parents had been married once or twice before, Milli had three half-brothers which she collectively called her one and a half brothers. She had a step-sister she referred to as her quarter sister; and she had an adopted sister who was one eighth something, so she called her Susan.

Many times the siblings were divided on issues, but they usually met each other halfway.
All the children were loved equally by their parents and often Mr. Measure would proudly exclaim, “When it comes to our family, there are no half-Measures!

They had a pet quarter-horse that was half thoroughbred and half whole grain, named Raisin; but the children called it Edward Furlong for some reason.

Edward Furlong  a.k.a Raisin

The Measures had a yard sale to raise money for their favorite charity, ” The Halfway Green House for House Plants” which grew house plants and promoted “Being Green Around The House” and wished to combat dehouseplantation because deforestation was too big to combat with only one greenhouse and limited funds raised from the charity box at their onsite gas station.

A big turn out turned out for the Measures’ yard sale.
Their wares included: square shoes for square feet in various sizes; half pants with a few holes in them and whole pants with half as many holes in them as the half pants; antique coffee table spoons; uncletique half pipes for snowboarders; old games with missing pieces and missing pieces for old games; weigh scales, piano scales, and alligator scales from Alligator shirts made in China; and garden metrognomes.

garden variety metrognome


They also sold: half slices of pizza and watermelon, quarter cupcakes, full half cups of coffee, and hamburgers that they had no idea how much meat were in them!

Mr. Measure went around shouting half orders to everyone and by the end of the day most of the Measures were going half out of their minds and were half fed up.
Eventually half of everything was sold which was almost everything because everything was pretty much half to begin with.

The Measures raised enough money for “The Halfway Green House For House Plants” that the charity was able to build another greenhouse and change their name to “The Wholeway Halfway Green Houses For House Plants And Semi-Tropical Ferns“.


note: I’d mention their neighbors “The Weights“, but that’s a heavy subject.

Mr. Weight waiting

11 responses to “The Measures

  1. About that little project for next year… I meant this year! There still is time. And the pet quarter horse would have to be included. Hilarious!

    I will tell Monsieur Shinn I want a metrognome of garden variety next Christmas.

    I love these stories where you take us to wacky places and let us meet “semi-detached people in houses.” You’re the dude! 🙂

  2. You are mad. Just mad. Delightfully mad.
    Makes you one of the Halves and the rest of us Halve- Nots!

  3. “When it comes to our family, there are no half-Measures!” Brilliant! Where do you come up with these things? Was it a bad quarter pounder that you ate?

    You’re brain is a very mysterious organ.

  4. Gosh, the measures seem to have a lot of rules.

    I would bet good money that Mr. Measure’s favorite author is Mark Twain.

  5. I’m also wondering about the names of Milli’s various siblings…

    • Drastic?
    • Heroic?
    • Beyond?
    • Slight?
    • Forgood?
    • Coal?
    • Insome?

  6. Thanks for all the comments.

    nathaliewithanh: someone must sell garden metrognomes! I’m glad you liked it. Not the best, but it will have to do.

    Bonnie Luria: I like half your comment and loved the other half … the 3rd half I’m not too sure about. hee hee!

    Tammy: they just pop through my brain for reasons unknown. I haven’t had a quarterpounder since Mayor McCheese was ousted in coup by the Fry Guys.

    pannonica: I’ve pondered your Twain reference, but didn’t figure it out. Does it have something to do with “Never the Twain shall meet”? It’s a roof joke: over my head this time.

    I should have thought of all those names! I’m measurable now!

  7. With the names, I was just trying to match you measure for Measure, as it were.

    As for Mark Twain… see here.

  8. pannonica: thanks! I’ve been scratching my head all day over that one, but resolved not to check out the internet for possible insight into the matter. I’m stubborn sometimes!

    I guess the 2/twain in “never the twain shall meet” should have … aaahhh I would never have got it; even in twain million years!

  9. That twain doesn’t stop here anymore.

  10. Been reading Get Fuzzy?

  11. S. Le: Are you asking pannonica or I? … Me? no I haven’t been reading “Get Fuzzy”; pannonica I don’t know.

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