The Package

I was informed a few weeks ago that a package was on the way to the residence where I live a lot …  all of the time by Epicurienne.

Usually I get a slip from the post office telling me that they came by at the usual time when they knew that I wasn’t going to be here and I should bring 3 types of ID, preferably mine,  to the post office and sign my name several times just to make sure that I am who I am: there must be a few planetrosses in town living at the same address as myself that I am not aware of.

But … this time they actually slid the parcel through my mail slot!

The outer package was your basic airmail type pouch, so I was weary about it and opened it thoroughly using guns, knives, broken glass, and other kitchen utensils. I’d show a picture of it, but it has my address on it and I don’t want everyone sending me amazing gifts all the time.

suspicious packages must be opened promptly

The inner package contained the word “Monkey” so I knew this was for me.

possible back of inner package, but it could be a trick!

On the back were a lot of words that were pretty big; so I used bigger guns, bigger knives, bigger broken glasses, and other kitchen utensils and a few bathroom utensils to break in to this one.

very green envelope

There was an envelope just dripping with kryptonite inside, but  … I ain’t superman baby!
To: the Planet with an Attitude” was written on the outside. Hey! I’m not making this stuff up!
… and if I was, my big brother can beat up your big brother; so what ya gonna do about it … until you grow up and become a cop and arrest me on trumped up charges that my brother can’t get me off of because he became a responsible citizen instead of a lawyer.

like cows with guns but no catchy song

Anyway, the card inside must have cost a lot to have made with my name written on it professionally.

I’d show you the inside of the card, but you would just get all jealous because of all the nice stuff she says about me … like:

I wish you had a split personality so you would even be more personable than you already are.”


If someone threw all the comedians in the world into a big blender and mixed them up, you would still be way funnier than that!


I wish animals could read, so they could enjoy your blog too.


I bet you even eat, sleep, and look funny.

So now that I was in my Ego Booster Chair, I unwrapped the gift …

very cool book


A very cool book right up my dead end alley of reading!

March Hares and Monkeys’ Uncles” by Harry Oliver! (that’s the name on the book: I’m not making this stuff up!)

Thank you very much Epicurienne!


note: this was a “hare-y” present, but … check out nathaliewithanh‘s blog for the ultimate “Very Hairy Christmas Card“.

double note: Hey Dan Reynolds! ( great cartoonist) I finally figured out who drew the cartoon you commented on. His name is Eric Decetis. You two should talk about what came first:  the lost rabbit or the lost dog.

it's my picture this time ... of someone else's work.

10 responses to “The Package

  1. Way cool. What a fab gift. You are the bee’s knees. (trying to stay in the same vintage as monkey’s uncle.) If I’d get awesome gifts, I might just share my mailing address!

  2. STUFF! The perfect gift!

    That’s a lot of fun. And it’s from someone who honestly knows you with out having met you, which is even cooler!

    -Turkish Prawn

  3. You lucky, lucky, bastard! I love books like that. The Mother Tongue by Bryson is a good read.

  4. How awesome! Epicurenne owes me a holiday card, and now I am twice as eager to get it! (Hint! Hint! Alex 🙂

  5. Hooray! It arrived! That book had your name written all over it. You’re so clever with words. Enjoy enjoy and happy birthday again – although belated. I think I’ll go shopping now for an Ego Booster Chair. Sounds comfy.

  6. Pingback: A Package for The Planet (a.k.a. The Monkey’s Uncle) « Epicurienne

  7. Thanks for all the comments!

    The book is great! I am a “lucky, lucky, bastard!” to quote razzbuffnik.

    Thanks again epicurienne!

  8. A clever gaggle of bloggers, you all are.

    Loved the packaging comments on the mailer.

    And PR, if you were any more of a split personality, you’d be beside yourself.

  9. Ha – Bonnie I love that comment! Beside yourself (snorting loudly here).

  10. Bonnie Luria: thanks for the compliment … I think. I am beside myself in my enjoyment of the book at least!

    epicurienne: don’t be encouraging Bonnie Luria … she is a wiley one! (smiley face)

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