Harvey’s Hands

 Harvey's Hands


This is the story of Harvey before he turned nine years old and became a little rottenish.

Harvey was born a usual baby boy in the usual way: kicking and screaming.

He was a joy to his parents and ate all his baby food gloop which most people find unenjoyable when they become a bit older and more experienced.

He did well keeping his parents employed changing diapers, and eventually became bigger like most babies regrettably do. At the time most toddlers are grabbing cat tails and other important things, Harvey never grabbed, pawed, spindled, folded, crushed, or childhandled anything.

His parents worried about his uninquisitiveness and took him to the “Hospital for Children Who Don’t Really Look or Act Sick, But Worry Their Parents for Some Reason Anyway“.

Harvey's Hands

After several tests by professional doctors with more degrees than thermometers and triangles put together, the cause of Harvey’s unchildlike behaviour was discovered: he was handednessless.
He was not right-handed, left-handed, or ambidextrous.
He was equally not strong with both hands and therefore couldn’t decide which hand to use to grab things; so, he didn’t grab anything at all.

This wasn’t a seriously terrible thing.
As Harvey grew, his handednessless made teethbrushing, haircombing, and button buttoning a little more difficult; but children don’t usually do those things exceptionally well anyway, so it wasn’t very noticeable.

Harvey's Hands

The big problem came when he entered school.
 He learned to print badly with both hands. He never mastered the simplest of musical instruments and was eventually downgraded to playing a tambourine with out any jinglely things on it. However, the worst thing was always being picked last for games involving hands. His classmates also worried about his feet and never asked him to join in any games of hopscotch, kick the can, or hacky sack.

Harvey stayed away from marbles, yoyos, thumb wrestling, and hand puppets as well.

Harvey felt left out, right out, and ambidextroused out.

Velcro was his only friend.


Until … the day his class played a new game: Hide and Seek.

Harvey thought it was going to be another disappointment, but he gave it a try anyway.

He hid and was not discovered. Only after he had gotten a little hungry, a lot bored, and had certainly missed music class did he become unhidden.

The next day he was voted “it“.
Although he had very little hand coordination, his eye coordination was extremely well developed and he found everyone, who wished not to be found, very quickly.

Harvey's Hands

Harvey was so good at Hide and Seek, he was recruited for the National Hide and Seek Team and even had his picture on the front page of the local newspaper on a not so busy day for news.

 Harvey's Hands



14 responses to “Harvey’s Hands

  1. cute story. =]

  2. Ross, where do you get this stuff? Handednessless? I can’t even say it properly and I’m sober.

  3. Yes, where have you been hiding all these great stories? I think this story is just as weird and fun as “Randall’s Crandles” — completely surreal, but with a nice message at the end.

    Since I broke both of my hands in an accident a few years ago and my handwriting has never recovered, I thank you for Harvey and his “handedlessness”. He’s my new hero!

    @epicurenne – If I remember right, Ross is a lefty. Perhaps there is something a bit autobiographical in the above story?

  4. Thanks for the comments.

    Dark_Angel: thanks for stopping by. I’m glad you liked the story.

    epicurienne: I think too much coffee and nothing else to think about most of the time helps.
    planetross tip: start with the trivial and then think about how to make it stupid. Then make it stupider. Then digress from there.

    jimsmuse: I hide them in my head, but don’t tell anyone: people might come looking for them. I don’t even know where they are!
    You are correct: I am left-handed.
    You are incorrect: It’s not autobiographical. I was very good at all hand sports, but sucked at kick the can.
    I lost faith in the Bible when I played “Hide and Seek”; I seeked but I never found … the little kid in the washing machine. (sad face)

    Thanks again for the comments and I’ll be back on Monday next week.

  5. I’ve never understood why some hospitals are called the such and such “Hospital for sick children”.

    I mean really; are there hospitals for well children?

  6. @ Razz: Hospital for annoying children? Or would that just be a lockup?

    Great Story Ross! I’m loving these! Have a great break. Wish I could go slough around with you in Japan!

    -Turkish Prawn

  7. Jimsmuse – thanks for the word up on Ross’s hand-ed-ness. I can say left-handed. I can say right-handed. I can even say AMBIDEXTROUS. I just can’t say handed-ness-less without hiccupping. Am I the only one?

  8. I’m schizodextrous.

  9. I wanna know how you manage to arrange concatenated holidays?

  10. @epicurienne — well, ross’ “handedness” it IS the first thing listed on his “me” page…just sayin’

  11. Autobiographical account then?

  12. Plane– I’m impressed. Clever concept, except that no one is named Harvey anymore. Rename him Bunk.

  13. Thanks for all the comments!
    I’m glad that you liked it! (smiley face)

    The holiday was great, but too short at both ends and in the middle.

  14. Pingback: Hot Links Meets the Werewolf « Tacky Raccoons

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