Monthly Archives: April 2008

The Wrong Profile

Why does one side of your face look better in photos than the other side?

Profile shots are usually a disappointment.

Everyone has a good side; or at least a not so horrible side.

I keep forgetting which side is my good side. I don’t mind full face photos, unless there is a flash involved. For some reason photos with flashes give me an illusionary rash on my chin.

I envy people who are photogenic. In real life they look okay, but in photos they turn into supermodels.

I think I look better in real life than in photos.

I think most people feel the same way.

It’s not fair.

I bet the person who developed Photo Shop looked pretty bad in photos.

Shooting Stars and Flying Fish

Why do people always say, “Look, a shooting star!”.

No one else will ever see it.

It’s gone.

Some people even try to help you see it by pointing in it’s former location.

That doesn’t help.

It’s gone.

A similar thing happens with flying fish.

“Look a flying fish!”

It’s gone.

But there is a good chance it will resurface: usually not in the original place it was spotted. I’m no dummy.

I guess you would need a pretty long aquarium if you had a flying fish as a pet. I mean if you wanted to get the full effect. It would be kind of boring  showing off your flying fish to someone if all it does is swim around like a regular fish.

You’d probably need a pretty secure tank lid as well.

And keep your windows closed; just in case.

Ding Ding

 

20 years ago I babysat my nephews for a weekend. They were 2 and 5 years old. On the first evening I was in the kitchen, with the 5 year old, making dinner.

“Ding Ding” called the 2 year old from somewhere else in the house.

My 5 year old nephew started to laugh.

“Ding Ding” called the 2 year old again.

“Why are you laughing?”, I asked the 5 year old.

“You gotta wipe his bum!”, he blurted out as he laughed.

I went to the bathroom and there was the 2 year old waiting for his wipe.

My sister forgot to mention that there would be ass wiping duties involved.

 

Over the years I’ve intentionally and repeatedly embarassed my nephew with the line, “I wiped your bum.”

Recently this has backfired on me.

Supposedly now, I am a loser for having wiped his bum.

 

I’m hoping when I am really really old, he will have to change my adult diapers, so the tables will turn again. And I can say, “What a loser, you wiped my bum!”

Ahh! The circle of life.

Time Tunnel

 

The local department store, where I live in Japan, has a car park. The 2 are connected by a 3rd floor walkway.

Once or twice a week I use this walkway.

They don’t play English music in the parkade or the department store, but there is always English music playing in this corridor.

Old 70’s music!

It’s my own personal time tunnel: Jim Croce’s “Operator” lives; so does Carole King’s “So Far Away”, and The Archies’ “Sugar, Sugar”.

Out of the car, into Nazareth’s “Holiday” for 10 seconds, and then I pop-out into the department store.

It’s fun running the gauntlet; it reminds me of the local radio station I listened to as a kid. Same songs, but they were new or mildly dated then.

Maybe it’s channeling CKAY 1500 AM “Voice of the Cowichan Valley” ; but at least it’s not channeling the Birthday Line crap.

I never did win a birthday cake from that program.

Look-a-Like Siblings

When I was in High School, a friend of mine had a nice looking younger sister: one year younger.

Myself and my other friends liked her: she was pretty, good sense of humor, and fun.

But we stayed away from her.

The problem was her and her brother really resembled each other. They could have been clones. There would be something creepy about being with her. I could imagine kissing her, staring into her eyes, and thinking about her brother. Double Creepy.

After High School, she ended up living with my friend’s best friend.

Everyone wanted to ask the boyfriend if he saw a freakish family resemblance between his girlfriend and his best friend. But we didn’t; it wouldn’t have been in good taste.

If he did eventually have kids with her, I bet I know who they look like.

Signposts

 

What’s the deal with these signposts?

They are everywhere!

Do you really want or need to know how far you are away from N.Y., London, Tokyo, or Singapore?

Sure, they are mildly interesting stuck out in the middle of nowhere; and they are a good photo opportunity. But most of the time I don’t really care.

I guess if you can’t visit the Equator, the Prime Meridian, the Tropic of Cancer/Capricorn, or the North/South Pole; they are the next best thing.

Sometimes they list less well known places.

I saw one that included Bratsk, Russia. Like anyone is going there in a hurry. They must have had an exchange student visiting when they made the sign. Or it’s an in-joke for the locals.

Sometimes there is a place mentioned, but it has a different name than the one used in English.

Usually some multilingual person figures it out and enlightens the rest of us. It’s almost always one of the big cities in South Africa. I thought the Dutch owned the franchise on multiple names for the same place; but the South Africans are a close second.

I’m amazed there isn’t one of these on the moon.

I guess it would be pretty boring: every place on Earth would be the same distance away.

The sign could include other planets and the sun though.

I can just imagine some aliens stopping by and looking at the signpost.

“Ahh! That’s Earth. Lock n’ Load brothers; Lock n’ Load.”

 

note: Yes, I know the moon revolves, so a signpost isn’t feasible; but I couldn’t have used the alien stuff otherwise. 

Repetitive Action Verbal Expression

Do you catch yourself saying something stupid when performing a very ordinary action?

Everytime I turn on my propane cooking stove elements I always say, “Flame On!” like the human torch in the Fantastic Four!!

When I leave the house for work I say, “Let’s Rock“.

When I finish work I say, “Done Doggy Deal“. 

I’m not even sure where that last one came from or what it means!

I think this should be called R.A.V.E.   Repetitive Action Verbal Expression

What about you?

Do you say the same thing when doing some regular run-of-the-mill thing?

Japanese Toilets

Japanese toilets are great!

They are just regular sit down affairs, but the toilet seat is high tech. Minus an ejector seat or machine gun turrets, if James Bond’s Q made a toilet, it would look like this.

Special Features:

–  heated toilet seat; great in winter.

– a bidet/washlet that sprays water to wash your….. stuff.

– when you sit down the toilet makes a water trickling sound, just in case you need encouragement; or to cover the sound of your own trickling water.

The way the tank fills is pretty cool too. There is a small fountain and basin on the tank lid. When you flush, you can wash your hands with the water that refills the tank. Very water efficient.

If you come to Japan, be sure to use a toilet at least once!

note: that’s not crap on the wall in the photo.

Vial of Life

 

Some people have a small cannister in their fridge that contains important medical information. Paramedics could possibly use this info to save your life.

My sister isn’t that much of an optimist: she keeps a copy of her Will in the freezer.

If I had a Vial of Life, the note inside would say:

What are you doing looking in my fridge? Shouldn’t you be doing C.P.R. on me, injecting me with something good, or using those paddles to jumpstart me?

If you find me in a compromising position, fix me up and keep the enclosed $100.

P.S. Help yourself to the beer.

NERF Balls

                            

When I was 11, my mother bought me a NERF ball: the old school type; orange and about the size of a grapefruit.

My 24 year old brother use to come for Sunday dinner every week. We’d play soccer with the NERF ball in the living room. I was the goalie and my net was the fireplace screen. My brother was the forward (don’t think they were called strikers yet). He’d do a running commentary on the shots, saves, and goals in a loud voice. We’d play for about an hour.

It drove my mother nuts.

After 6 months of this, she finally hid my NERF ball.

I pleaded and begged for its return. No Deal.

I searched for it. No Luck.

Eventually I forgot about the NERF ball; I moved on to Coleco Head to Head football or the Dune books.

but..

When I was 16, I found it!

I could never use it, or admit that I’d found it though.

My mother had hidden it in the liquor cabinet.

note: Yes. The advertisement does say, ” You can’t hurt babies or old people “.