Warning

   

 

If you drop to the floor, start doing the chicken, and need me to use this equipment on you;

you are in serious trouble.

 

note: I can’t even buy lifesavers in Japan.

double note: ladders confuse me.

triple note: “What? I can’t hear you properly. Is this some Animal House thing?  Come on! Get a little bit louder now!!

 

http://humor-blogs.com/

Kidney Stones

 

 

If kidney stones are the result of not using your kidneys enough, can this happen in other parts of your body as well?

Because a lot of people have rocks in their heads.

 

note: kidney stones are usually not related to not using your kidneys enough. It’s just a long held misconception of mine.

double note: If “kidney” beans are good for the kidneys; then I’m loading up on “pork n’” beans.

triple note: stay away from those gall beans.

quadruple note: Mr. Bean is full of … you know.

quintuple note: image from here. It’s not related to anything, just not too many nice kidney stone images.

 

http://humor-blogs.com/

Sickly Sweet

 
 

An overdose

 

of

 

glucose, sucrose, fructose, or dextrose

 

will leave you

 

variclose to comatosed.

 

note: I tried in vein not to do poetry again.

double note: Amazing photos like the one above can be seen at Robert Gatliff’s Gallery.

 

http://humor-blogs.com/

Paternity Tests

 

Paternity Tests are sexist!

If men have to take  paternity tests, women should too.

Fair is fair.

 

note:

“Billie Jean Is Not My Lover
She’s Just A Girl Who Claims That I Am The One
But The Kid Is Not My Son”

I think I believe Michael this time.

double note: I was going to say, “women should have to take maternity tests”, but they actually do sometimes.

triple note: I think my clothes needs a “Modernity Test”.

quadruple note:

“Genetic testing has a 99.999% accuracy rate, or 99,999 out of 100,000 for the case where DNA samples of mother, child and the two disputed fathers are available.”

I bet a lot of men (and a few women) are betting on that 0.001% chance.

http://humor-blogs.com/

Lies

 

Do you know how to stop people from lying?

Use a “defibrillator” on them.

 

It would also give new meaning to “getting a paddling”.

 

note:  lie detector - another word for mother.

double note: art by Arianna Papini

 

http://humor-blogs.com/

Witch Doctors

“Witch” doctors should really emphasize preventative medicine.

http://humor-blogs.com/

3 Cheers for the Uvula!

The uvula plays an important role in the articulation of the sound of the human voice to form the sounds of speech. Consonants pronounced with the uvula are not found in English; however, languages such as Arabic, French, German, Hebrew, Ubykh, and Hmong use uvular consonants to varying degrees. Certain African languages use the uvula to produce click consonants as well.

 

And I just thought it was there so drawings of the inside of your mouth looked cool!!

As an English speaker, I am way under-using my Uvula!

 

note: planetross has a busy week this week, so postings may  be infrequent.

 

http://humor-blogs.com/

Skin Grafts

 

If I had to have a skin graft, I’d want a chicken skin graft;

just in case I got hungry.

 

note: a pie graft would be nice sometimes too.

 

http://humor-blogs.com/

Food Allergies

It must be tough having a food allergy.

Watching other people enjoy something that could potentially be fatal to you.

If I had a food allergy, I’d want to be allergic to asparagus …

because I don’t like that crap anyway.

note: If you know you will die if you eat a certain food, but eat it anyway; is it suicide or just poor nutritional habits?

http://humor-blogs.com/

Plugged

If you live below sea level, are your ears always plugged?

 

note: Hey, my nose just popped! It always happens when I drive by the garbage dump.

http://humor-blogs.com/