I Am The Cheese

I’m a sucker for things stacked, heaped, piled or bunched.

My eyes are naturally drawn to them: pallets, baskets, umbrella stands, store displays, fields of flowers, rolls of wire, fruit markets, old tires, …

It’s a quantity thing: one is boring; more are better.

Those “colourful ball” play areas for kids are hard to pass. All those balls, oh to be 5 again!

Maybe this is why I like recycling day: plastic bottles all heaped together, stacks of flattened cardboard boxes and newspapers, and piles of garbage bags filled with hundreds of styrofoam containers.

I wait to take my things out. If I’m too early, there isn’t enough stuff to make it visually appealing.

My favourite movie shot: all those boxes in the warehouse at the end of Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark.

note: I was always a good chair stacker at school, and spent a lot of time in the library too!

I like cacti, or cactuses as I like to say.

I have quite a few. Most are prickly, but still manageable. Getting poked in the finger once in a while goes with the territory. If I wanted the easy life, I would have Chia Pets.

but

I have one cactus that is untouchable.

Its spines are painful, drawblood, and embed themselves in my flesh.

It’s nice to look at, but it’s dangerous.

It bullies me. It taunts me. I swear it has lunged at me a few times.

It’s just plain mean.

And it is getting bigger!

note: I would have put on a photo of it, but it won’t let me.

Do you remember Marble Day at school?

I do. What a great day. I waited all year for Marble Day.

Sure, you could play marbles any day, but not at school in the open and everything!

Look at me! I’m playing marbles Mr. 3rd Grade Teacher; and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it.

Marbles had great names: cat’s eyes, steelies, pee wees, cobs, king cobs, crystals… but the best name was bullfudger. I’m sure there are a lot of other cool names for them too.

I carried my marbles around in a Crown Royal bag.

How cool was I?  Pretty cool, I kid you not.

Even the rules had cool names:

How cool is that?  Pretty cool!

I guess “quitsies” and “no quitsies” are the unwritten rules for most things in life anyway.

Marriage: sometimes it’s quitsies and sometimes it’s no quitsies depending where you live and who your lawyer is.

War: usually no quitsies applies.

Work: sometimes quitsies; sometimes no quitsies, if you don’t get your final paycheck.

Sports: quitsies all the way. Just watch professional tennis to see what I mean.

note: keepsies applies to everything, and I’m calling double keepsies infinity just so it’s clear.

Tourist Attraction Improvement Guy! That’s my new dream job.

Just going around telling tourist attractions how to improve their trap… uh, I mean attraction.

Lighthouses: You only visit a lighthouse because that’s the next thing between good stuff and more good stuff. You have to pass it, so why not stop in for a look? They all look the same: by the ocean, big house with a light on top, white.

I’d put a really big switch on the outside of it that says, “Off/On“. Great photo opportunity. I’d bet more people would visit, or at least remember the stop. (same thing would work for Nuclear Power Plants too)

Anywhere that has a plywood/stick your face in the hole/take a funny picture thing.

Make the cut-outs naked and doing rude things. (doing rude things to other naked cut-outs would be better)

Signposts showing distance from other locations.

Put a few original locations with the distance from them; for example…

ex-wife: 5,000 km

job: 2,184 km

Tim Horton’s Donuts: 3,987 km

there: 1 cm

photographer: 5 meters

the moon: 400,000 km

being a millionaire: a long way

normal: see “being a millionaire” above

Spicing up tourist attractions; that’s for me!

note: photo model courtesy of planetross modeling inc.

People love watching trees in Japan.

In April, it’s cherry blossom viewing. Everyone and their dog go and sit on blue tarps under cherry trees and drink heavily. I do it too, but I usually watch the women who are watching the trees.

In October, it’s Kouyo: the changing of the leaves. People always ask me what the word for Kouyo is in English. They usually seem disappointed when I say, ” the changing of the leaves”. I think they expect some great one word answer.

Tour buses haul people around the countryside in April and October. It’s a big business.

I like both these times of year, but I’m more of a root person. My sister is too.

When we have travelled together, we point out interesting roots to each other, take photos, and have little discussions over the merits of our discoveries. We know a good root when we see it.

Trees have their seasons, but roots are all year round fun.

When I was 11, my mother bought me a NERF ball: the old school type; orange and about the size of a grapefruit.

My 24 year old brother use to come for Sunday dinner every week. We’d play soccer with the NERF ball in the living room. I was the goalie and my net was the fireplace screen. My brother was the forward (don’t think they were called strikers yet). He’d do a running commentary on the shots, saves, and goals in a loud voice. We’d play for about an hour.

It drove my mother nuts.

After 6 months of this, she finally hid my NERF ball.

I pleaded and begged for its return. No Deal.

I searched for it. No Luck.

Eventually I forgot about the NERF ball; I moved on to Coleco Head to Head football or the Dune books.

but..

When I was 16, I found it!

I could never use it, or admit that I’d found it though.

My mother had hidden it in the liquor cabinet.

note: Yes. The advertisement does say, ” You can’t hurt babies or old people “.

I’m not a big collector.

I have a clear plastic coin bank that is shaped like a head. I don’t like to collect change, so I am filling it up with matches instead.

Places aren’t giving away matches like they used to: I guess the non-smokers are winning the battle.

I’m not too serious about my match collection.
It’s just a bonus when I find some.
Oooo Matches!

note: I’m thinking about collecting plastic heads next.

It was my sister’s birthday, I was 4 years old.
I remember it because our family tradition was to eat the birthday cake and then open presents. We finished dinner, and then everyone rushed to the old black and white TV to watch the moon landing.
For my sister: no cake, no presents.
She cried like crazy.

My oldest brother (15 years older) was working in Peru at the time.
He remembers hearing it on the radio.
He was so excited he borrowed someone’s motorcycle and drove out into the country.
He saw a farmer out in a field working with a cow pulling a plow.
He yelled to the farmer in Spanish, “We’ve just landed on the moon!“

The farmer looked at him and replied, “Leave me alone you crazy gringo!“

I think in Russia, it must be Chess. I visited once, but I was young and unaware at the time.

In Japan; Rock, Paper, Scissors is rampant, but it’s not really a game, just a way to decide things.

In Canada, like a lot of countries, there isn’t one game that everyone plays.

I’m talking about adults, children, and everyone in between.

I feel deprived.