I Am The Cheese

I have insurance: car health, home,… but I’ve never used them.

It’s nice to know I’m protected and I’m glad I’ve never had to make a claim, but I also feel like these insurance companies have screwed me somehow.

On flight insurance, I always make an ex-girlfriend the beneficiary. She always said she wished I were dead. The financial payout she’d receive if that happened, while I was flying, would just be an extra bonus for her.

I’m nice like that.

My 13 nieces and nephews are the beneficiaries in my Will.

They know this.

It’s a small insurance policy for me. I figure they’ll be nicer to me in my old age if they know there is money involved.

One nephew always asks me what his “share” is at the moment. He looks at me like I’m a “stock”: working hard - stock goes up ; travelling - stock goes down.

My nieces and nephews also know that if I die under mysterious circumstances, all my money goes to my ex-girlfriend.

That’s my true insurance policy.

I love my nieces and nephews, but I don’t trust them that much.

note: if my nieces and nephews make a deal with the ex-girlfriend, I’m in trouble.

Do you talk in your sleep?

I’ve been informed that I do.

I never used to. I wonder when this started?

I’m not even saying anything good either: I’m saying 1 2 3 over and over again.

I don’t think I like this development.

I travelled with an Australian guy who moaned for 30 minutes every night. Sometimes right when he fell asleep, sometimes just before he woke up in the morning.

I don’t think he liked that very much either.

I once met a guy who was a sleep walker.

While travelling, he stayed at a hostel in Amsterdam. The hostel had 2 locations on opposite corners of the same city block. He went to bed at his hostel and woke up around the block outside the other hostel.

He did this in his underwear!

The worst part must have been running back to his hostel.

Maybe talking in my sleep isn’t that bad.

note: S. Le: in the root world, the ones in the photo are good ones! I like rootbeer too!

 A friend of mine worked in a Daycare/English playtime centre for a year, and as part of his job he accompanied/assisted children using the bathroom.

He casually mentioned this phenomenon to me one day, to which I told him he was pulling my leg and I wasn’t that gullible.

He insisted it was true, and I kept a doubtful expression on my face until I could check the internet.

Why couldn’t I have some cool birthmark like that?

I just have a regular white ass.

note to self:  buy some pool chalk.

Some people have a small cannister in their fridge that contains important medical information. Paramedics could possibly use this info to save your life.

My sister isn’t that much of an optimist: she keeps a copy of her Will in the freezer.

If I had a Vial of Life, the note inside would say:

What are you doing looking in my fridge? Shouldn’t you be doing C.P.R. on me, injecting me with something good, or using those paddles to jumpstart me?

If you find me in a compromising position, fix me up and keep the enclosed $100.

P.S. Help yourself to the beer.

It’s allergy season in Japan.

Lots of people suffering, wearing those white masks, and going to the doctors for shots and pills.

I’m lucky: I don’t have allergies.

I’ve heard this simplified explanation as to why some people get allergies and some don’t.

Everyone has a bucket in their immune system. When the bucket becomes full, you start to get allergies. Some people have big buckets that will never be full; other people have small buckets that filled up a long time ago.

I’m not sure if this is true, but it makes sense to me.

I wonder how full my bucket is.

Maybe my bucket has a hole in it.

Wouldn’t that just be my luck.

The 20 happiest nations in the World are:
1 - Denmark
2 - Switzerland
3 - Austria
4 - Iceland
5 - The Bahamas
6 - Finland
7 - Sweden
8 - Bhutan
9 - Brunei
10 - Canada
11 - Ireland
12 - Luxembourg
13 - Costa Rica
14 - Malta
15 - The Netherlands
16 - Antigua and Barbuda
17 - Malaysia
18 - New Zealand
19 - Norway
20 - The Seychelles

Other notable results include:
23 - USA
35 - Germany
41 - UK
62 - France
82 - China
90 - Japan
125 - India
167 - Russia

The three least happy countries were:
176 - Democratic Republic of the Congo
177 - Zimbabwe
178 - Burundi

I love hot weather: summer means t-shirts and shorts, BBQs, turning brown, and visits to the beach.
The hottest place I’ve been is Perth, Australia during a heatwave: 45 degrees Celcius (113 fahrenheit).
I sat on a shaded patio at a hostel with a few others. Between sips of beer, we took turns saying things like:

“It’s hot.”
“Man, it’s hot.”
“It’s so hot.”

Really hot weather affects speech, I guess.

My friend was working in a metal warehouse Australianizing Eastern European jeep things: attaching roo bars, adjusting suspensions, and bolting beer holders on to the dashboards.

He roasted in that warehouse.

Someone put a dial on the wall and labelled it air-conditioner.

Every 15 minutes someone would shout, ” Can you turn up the air-con, it’s getting a bit warm in here”.
Someone would walk over and turn up the dial.

Those guys had a pretty good sense of humor that day; and heat stroke.

I hope at the end of the day they turned the air-con off.
It’s not good to waste energy.

I want a microscopic medical camera.
The one that’s on a fiber cable inside a slightly larger fiber cable.
I think the technical name is teeny tiny super small fiber opticamera.

It would be very handy.

I’d never have to cut meat or chicken to see if it was cooked.
Just stick in the camera for a look. No more intrusive surgery required.

I could check healing cuts without removing the band-aid.
Band-aids don’t grow on trees you know.

I’d take it to the supermarket and use it to check the ripeness of fruit.

I could see what the prize in the cereal or crackerjack box was.

I might probe my toothpaste tube. I’ve always wanted to see what the inside looks like.

I could see if the fridge light really does turns off when you close the door.

I wouldn’t use it on myself; that would be dangerous.
But animals and other people would be okay.

I’m going to check on ebay now.
Maybe they have one of those micro-lasers too!

In Japan there is no Tooth Fairy.
The upper teeth are thrown on the ground outside the family home.
The lower teeth are thrown up on to the roof.

No one has given me a reasonable explanation for this.

To be fair, I’ve only asked 7 year olds so far.

The idea of a tooth fairy is kind of creepy when you start to think about it. Someone visiting you while you sleep and taking away the tooth you have left under the pillow as an offering.

But hey, free money!

If only there was an ear wax or dirty underwear fairy.

As a rule, I don’t find pregnant women sexy.

In most countries the women blimp out or wear big baggie maternity clothes. These are not on my sexy things list. The fact that they are lugging around another human inside of them, that I had nothing to do with, doesn’t help either.

If life were a board game, then pregnant women would be sitting on the Miss a Turn square.
No one should be passing them the dice.

In Argentina, slim pregnant women in revealing clothes strolling along the streets made me question my long held opinion.
They looked pretty good flaunting their bellies, but still as a rule pregnant women aren’t really sexy.

Two years ago while walking on a lonely beach in Brazil, there was a woman walking towards me. She was pushing a beach stroller with a kid in it.
A woman with a child can be sexy all she wants: it’s in my rule book.

She had a nice body and a very small bikini. The closer she got the better she looked. Nicely tanned Yummy Mummy I was thinking, while unconsciously sucking in my stomach.
When we finally passed each other, I saw her profile.
She was about 8 months pregnant with a big round belly.

I need my depth perception checked.

She must have been an Argentine!