I Am The Cheese

Flashlights are handy, but why the name?

It’s a cool name, but they don’t flash anymore than other lights.

You can make any light flash if you turn it off and on again real fast.

You can piss off a lot of people doing this as well!

Portable Light Beam describes it better, and doesn’t confuse people with all this flashing business.

I remember flashing my car headlights to let other drivers know there was radar up ahead. I was a good citizen.

If you really want to mess with your head, try playing pool while a strobe light flashes.

I get sick just thinking about it.  It makes for a long game of pool as well.

My friend tried to compensate for the strobe light by blinking in unison with it, but he lost the game anyway.

I guess he just wasn’t a good “strobe light pool player”.

note: I bet flashlight battery sales went way up after the Star Wars movies started coming out.

Do you remember Marble Day at school?

I do. What a great day. I waited all year for Marble Day.

Sure, you could play marbles any day, but not at school in the open and everything!

Look at me! I’m playing marbles Mr. 3rd Grade Teacher; and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it.

Marbles had great names: cat’s eyes, steelies, pee wees, cobs, king cobs, crystals… but the best name was bullfudger. I’m sure there are a lot of other cool names for them too.

I carried my marbles around in a Crown Royal bag.

How cool was I?  Pretty cool, I kid you not.

Even the rules had cool names:

How cool is that?  Pretty cool!

I guess “quitsies” and “no quitsies” are the unwritten rules for most things in life anyway.

Marriage: sometimes it’s quitsies and sometimes it’s no quitsies depending where you live and who your lawyer is.

War: usually no quitsies applies.

Work: sometimes quitsies; sometimes no quitsies, if you don’t get your final paycheck.

Sports: quitsies all the way. Just watch professional tennis to see what I mean.

note: keepsies applies to everything, and I’m calling double keepsies infinity just so it’s clear.

Used golf ball sales people.

You know the type: hanging out on the other side of the golf course fence, sitting in a lawnchair next to the sign “Cheap Golf Balls“. Usually they are sitting on a piece of land that has just absorbed your last golf ball.

What opportunists! 100% profit! Bastards!

Are there any other lost items that you can sell in the open and not be arrested for?

Selling lost umbrellas, pets, wallets, or dental retainers will probably find you explaining yourself to the authorities.

It’s not fair.

I bet those used golf ball sellers don’t pay tax either.

When I was 11, my mother bought me a NERF ball: the old school type; orange and about the size of a grapefruit.

My 24 year old brother use to come for Sunday dinner every week. We’d play soccer with the NERF ball in the living room. I was the goalie and my net was the fireplace screen. My brother was the forward (don’t think they were called strikers yet). He’d do a running commentary on the shots, saves, and goals in a loud voice. We’d play for about an hour.

It drove my mother nuts.

After 6 months of this, she finally hid my NERF ball.

I pleaded and begged for its return. No Deal.

I searched for it. No Luck.

Eventually I forgot about the NERF ball; I moved on to Coleco Head to Head football or the Dune books.

but..

When I was 16, I found it!

I could never use it, or admit that I’d found it though.

My mother had hidden it in the liquor cabinet.

note: Yes. The advertisement does say, ” You can’t hurt babies or old people “.

I don’t usually pay too much attention to mine.

I can go for months without noticing it.

I’ve neglected it, but it never abandons me.

Good old shadow.

I used to play shadow tag as a kid.

If you are it, you run around trying to jump on other people’s shadows.

If you succeed, they are it.

It used to be a favourite in the summer.

Not very popular on cloudy days for some reason.

I visited the Solar de Uyuni in Bolivia 2 years ago.

I got reaquainted with my shadow; so did most of the other people.

I’ve never seen longer shadows anywhere.

I’m sure there is a scientific explanation, but if I look it up it might take away some of the magic. I had never taken pictures of my shadow before, but I did there!

Shadows are cool.

I like the red card idea in football/soccer.

I’ve told you what you’ve done wrong, and now I’m going to pull a red card out of my shirt pocket just in case you didn’t understand me.

I should start carrying around a red card.

serious body odor! red card

bad manners: nose picking at stop lights, cutting toenails in public, saying bad things about Pink Floyd. red card

taking calls on your cellphone in the movie theatre. red card

counting out $20 of change at the supermarket check-out. red card

losing my books, keys, Cds. red card

poor fashion sense. red card

I think you won’t be able to field a team tomorrow.

I might just get a whistle too.

Some people say they don’t dream; I tell them that they just dream that they don’t dream.
This usually confuses them and they change the subject.

Last night I dreamt I was entering a spelling bee and my chances were pretty good.
I’d sized up the competition, and found them lacking.
I was guaranteed to win.

and then I woke up!

I think in Russia, it must be Chess. I visited once, but I was young and unaware at the time.

In Japan; Rock, Paper, Scissors is rampant, but it’s not really a game, just a way to decide things.

In Canada, like a lot of countries, there isn’t one game that everyone plays.

I’m talking about adults, children, and everyone in between.

I feel deprived.