I Am The Cheese

I’m not a point card person, but I do have a Mister Donut card.

I’d been saving up points to get a free pencil case, or maybe a cushion the size of my hand (maybe it’s a hand cushion?), when disaster struck.

I lost all my points.

They are only good for one year. Happy anniversary loser. What a rip-off!

I’ll have to increase my doughnut consumption this year.

I love doughnuts.

Honey dips are my favourite: simple yet sugary. I don’t understand people who like those dry “old fashion” ones. They should just stick to pound cake.

But I’m not a total doughnut totalitarian.

When I bring doughnuts to work for my co-workers, I include a few old fashion ones.

I’m nice like that….

and my boss likes those crappy doughnuts as well.

note: for more on how I feel about point cards check-out: 

http://planetross.wordpress.com/2008/03/24/free-stuff/

Aren’t smorgasbords the best thing ever?

All you can eat buffets: big stacks of clean plates at one end, and a guy with a big white hat carving beef at the other.

In Japan they call them “Viking” style; but it always sounds like “Biking” when they say it.

Argentina has got to have the best ones. Full on Chinese food, not too many salads to pass by, 2 or 3 guys working the meat grill, desserts to die for, and ice cream too!  I don’t think they can be beat when you factor in the cheap peso.

My friend got banned from a smorgasbord for peeling the batter off the battered shrimp. That’s a no-no.

Smorgasbord translates into English as “sandwich table“.

It sounds better in Swedish though.

I don’t think I’d get too excited about an “all you can eat sandwich table“.

But…

I think I’m going to start calling sandwiches “smorgs”.

“I’m having a peanut butter and jam smorg for lunch today. Yum!”

My uncle is a wheat farmer in Manitoba, Canada.

His farm is big; like the size of Luxembourg big!

The last time I visited, I followed him around as he fed his assorted animals: cats, cows, chickens…

Every Spring his next door neighbour, who lives about as far away as Belgium, gives him 2 piglets. In the Fall my uncle butchers them.

As he put in their feed, I noticed one of the pigs was a lot bigger than the other one. The big one pushed the smaller one out of the way and ate most of the food.

“Do your pigs have names?” I asked.

“Ham and Bacon” he answered.

“Which one are you going to kill first?” I inquired.

“The biggest one” he replied.

Moral of the story: Don’t be a Pig.

note: If I were a pig, I’d want to be anorexic or bulimic.

I’ve just realized that I am an aquarium junkie.

I’ve visited 4 different aquariums in the last year; one of them twice!

After what I’ve written earlier about Animals in Zoos,  http://planetross.wordpress.com/2008/04/08/animal-penal-system/

 I think I am a hypocrite. 

I guess I don’t feel the same way about fish as I do about animals. I do feel sorry for all non-fish creatures at aquariums: I hope that redeems me somehow. Even that is hard; those dolphins and sea lions always look so damn happy during the shows.

But the fish… I have no sympathy. I guess I’m heartless. I like to rationalize it by thinking it’s better to be in an aquarium tank than in a restaurant tank or a fisherman’s net.

For the record: there are no sashimi/sushi restaurants at aquariums in Japan. Japanese people have their limits I guess.

I’m not a pet person, but at a local festival I ended up taking home a goldfish someone else had won. I put it in my biggest glass bowl, bought some fish food for it, and was getting all attached to the little bugger. Then it died.

I think it died of happiness; but I could be wrong.

So what do you do with a dead goldfish? I flushed it down the toilet: returning it from whence it came.

I told my Japanese co-worker this and she thought I was strange. I gave her the “returning it from whence it came” argument, but that didn’t work.

She said since it was a pet, I should have buried it.

I think I need to go to a Fish Sensitivity Counselling Seminar.

note: I hope they have fish and chips for lunch.

No one was paying any attention, so I stabbed it.

I didn’t quite get the penetration I wanted the first time.

I lined it up  and stabbed it again: metal through skin.

The little bugger never saw it coming. It didn’t have a chance.

Just sitting there innocently one minute, and then impaled the next.

It didn’t scream or wriggle. It just accepted its fate.

I don’t think I did anything wrong.

I can’t get into trouble for this.

I’m going to do it again.

I’m a repeat offender.

I love pickles!

I’m a procrastinator. I’m a disappointment.

I haven’t done any of the things my Mother said I could do when I became an adult.

- I don’t eat marshmellow sandwiches everyday.

- I don’t stay up all night watching TV.

- I haven’t gotten that Batman tattoo on my face yet.

- I’ve yet to buy the 8 million marbles I said I would.

- I never bumper shine.

- I haven’t played Tetris for 48 hours straight.

- I don’t play with firecrackers.

- I haven’t ridden a roller coaster 100 times in a row.

- I don’t fry bread in the bacon grease, like they do in England.

- I don’t walk around barefoot everyday.

- I haven’t ordered 2 desserts at a restaurant.

- I’ve yet to get a Mr. T haircut.

- I don’t have chocolate sprinkle sandwiches like the Dutch kids use to have.

- I haven’t gone to every house in a 5 km radius to fill 2 pillow cases full of candy on Halloween.

- I haven’t collected all the matchbox cars.

- I never eat a whole bag of chocolate chips.

- I still haven’t bought that H.R. Puff n’ Stuff Jacket with Witchipoo on the sleeve.

I’m a big disappointment.

Tomorrow I’ll get busy.

The ends of things are usually bad:

-the end of a relationship

-the end of a friendship

-the end of the toilet roll

-the end of a cigar

-the ends of a cucumber

-the end of the gas in your tank

-the end of a gun

-the end of a favourite TV show

-the end of the alcohol

-the end of your favourite sport’s season ( a hard 2 - 6 months in between)

But some endings are good!

-The End episode of Red Dwarf (actually the first episode)

-the end of winter (unless you are a skier/snowboarder)

-the end of a bad relationship

-the end of the work week

-the end of a bad bottle of shampoo

But my favourite ends are…

the  ends of a freshly baked loaf of bread.

The crusts, the door stops, or the heels are the best

I’ve never been a big fan of sparkling mineral water.

Most places I’ve lived it’s been available, but always hiding on a bottom shelf or huddled with the other random drinks relegated to the fridge seldom opened.

In some countries it’s really popular: part of daily life. That’s fine with me.

In most South American countries, it’s bought as often as regular bottled water.

I got used to it being served with coffee in Argentina. I drank it and enjoyed it; but still would never buy it on purpose.

I only bought it once by mistake.

Extremely hungover I bought two bottles of the stuff.

If you don’t know, sparkling water does not help a hangover.

It doesn’t feel good when you guzzle it.

And personally, I don’t like burping when I’m hungover.

The contents bubbling over when I took the cap off it didn’t help either.

Why do they have it displayed next to the regular water?

Sure it’s water, but there is a night and day difference between sparkling and regular water.

It’s like buying unsweetened baking chocolate instead of a chocolate bar.

You don’t find those things snuggling up to each other on a grocery store shelf.

note: Can you use sparkling water to make instant coffee?

         Can you use it in your car radiator?

         Can you water plants with it?

         If you put it in a hamster’s drink bottle, would you still have a hamster the next day?

My Failed Restaurant

 Blood Donor Kebabs.

Knives

 The original cutting edge technology.

Zamboni

I just love the way that word rolls off my tongue.

Growing Old

I can’t wait to be old: then I would have an excuse for being such a crap driver.

Kraft Dinner

Off of the Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Dinner box:

It’s the CHEESIEST.
That’s why more kids and moms love “the one in the Blue Box.”
Right down to the bottom of the bowl.
Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.

Forget kids and moms, I love it too!

Cats and Tongues

“What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue.”

Who thought that one up?
Were cats once notorious tongue thieves?

I’m going to have nighmares now!!

Hangovers

There should be a food product call “hangover”.

-I’d like a hangover please.
-Snickers are good, but hangovers are better!
-Can you get me a hangover from the store?
-I had 3 hangovers yesterday

 Yum!

Big Macs

If you put a Big Mac in a blender and drank it, would it taste the same?

Crime Drama

Why are there so many Crime Dramas on TV?
I think there should be one titled, “The Proof is in the Pudding”.

At every crime scene, the lead character could say,
“We better check the pudding to solve this one.”

Pudding is good too!

2 Questions You Don’t Want to Hear

How long can a car drive in first gear with the gas pedal to the floor before it blows up?

Can I borrow your car?

Clocks

I thought my clock was broken: the second hand didn’t move for a second.

Bubble Wrap Factory

I bet people are pretty stress free working in a bubble wrap factory.

When the heat comes down, just start popping those bubbles.

I bet there aren’t too many accidents either!

Alarm Clocks

The sound coming from the clock was alarming!!!

Chiropractors

It’s just a hunch, but I think you should see a chiropractor!

Is it just me, or are plastic utensil trays, found in most kitchen drawers, a piece of crap.
They universally seem to be not long, wide, or big enough.
Between forks, knives, and spoons; something doesn’t fit properly.

Someone should have figured out and fixed this flawed design by now!

Come on plastic tray maker people, pull you plastic fingers out of your plastic asses and smarten up.