I Am The Cheese

When I drive on a sunny day, I roll down my window and suck in that fresh air.

Actually, my air-conditioner is pretty crappy, so I can either sweat it out or have that nice fresh air I was talking about in the first sentence.

I get a pretty good driving tan most years. People drive on the left side of the road here in Japan, so it’s my right arm that gets really brown.

I think of my driving tan as a cheap status symbol.

“Yes, I’ve been driving a lot recently; thank you for noticing. Why yes, the sun was out while I was driving.”

Most Japanese people drive with their windows rolled up tight and the air-con blasting. If they do have a window rolled down, it’s usually because they are at a drive-thru window picking up burgers. A lot of women wear long gloves to protect themselves from driving tan, or any other type of tanning. At least I think that is why they wear those long gloves; I could be wrong. Maybe they are all going to fancy garden parties where they eat cucumber sandwiches with no crusts and drink barely alcoholic drinks from long glasses.

Some people have a farmer’s tan; a lot of farmers have it for some reason. It looks ok, until the shirt comes off and then it just looks sad. Unless it is on a shirtless woman, then it looks pretty good.

I like the driving tan look better than the farmer tan look. 

But that’s just me.

I’m a driver, not a farmer. And I have the tan to prove it!

note: I guess a lot of farmers have driving tans, but you just can’t see them. Poor farmers.

I’m amazed at how many single shoes I see lying on the sides of the road.

Usually they are running shoes. I haven’t seen any pumps, gumboots or sandals.

My first thought is usually that someone must have been hit by a car, but I don’t think there are that many people getting hit by cars. And the police would probably pick up any shoes as evidence anyway.

Are people throwing shoes out of their car windows?

In Australia myself and a few others were in a National Park following a river that cut through a canyon. We walked beside the river where we could and swam certain sections where we couldn’t walk.

We found a sandal on a rock, and about 30 minutes later we found its partner. My friend picked up both and wore them for the rest of his Australia trip. He probably still has them. They were nice sandals.

We called them his Dead Man Sandals.

Supposedly somewhere in Africa an Aid Agency was distributing clothing and shoes. The local people wore the clothes, but they didn’t wear the shoes.

They thought the shoes must have been from dead people, as no one would just give away such nice shoes. 

Jiffy
definition: short period of time. (origin unknown, circa 18th century)

I know it’s been used before: jiffy marker, jiffy sponge, jiffy pop popcorn.

but

What a cool name for one of those little smart cars!

-Be there in a Jiffy!

-Save money and the environment in a Jiffy!

-Drive to work in a Jiffy!

-Be at the beach in a Jiffy!

Negative Press: He died in a Jiffy.

Bad news, but at least it was in a Jiffy! Not prolonged and drawn out.

note: possible specialized markets:

Alternative Lifestyle People: Spliffy

Women: Miffy or Tiffy

Trendsetters: Spiffy or Niffy-T

double note: rejected names - Iffy, Whiffy, and Siffy

Bath Towel: big towel used to dry off after baths or showers.
Hand Towel: all purpose small towel used to dry hands and anything else in a pinch.
Paper Towel: made of paper and used to clean up stuff (disposable).
Dish Towel: used to dry dishes, utensils, pots, pans, and glasses.
Beach Towel: used at the beach and very similar to a bath towel.

Sports Towel: all purpose small towel used to dry hands and anything else in a pinch.

Wait a minute.
Isn’t that just a hand towel?

I can’t think of any sport that requires a towel.
A towel used to wipe off sweat, sure; but sports are not the sole domain of sweat.
Someone gardening, working on their car, outside on a hot day, seriously out of shape, or someone who naturally just sweats a lot uses one of those towels as often as someone involved in sporting activities.

There are already a lot of regular everday products being sold under the sports label: cars, socks, drinks, deodorant, watches,….

Now the towel?

It does sound better than hand towel though.

Let me just sit on my sports sofa in my sports slippers, have some after-sport whiskey, and think this over somemore.

Hair stylists in Japan love cutting my hair.

As opposed to thick black coarse hair that they usually deal with, mine is fine soft and brown.
I bring change to their routine.

I’m sure I make their day.
I bet at night my hair comes up over a few beers with friends.
“Oh! I cut this foreigner’s hair today. It was so fuwa fuwa.”

Fuwa Fuwa as defined by my regular hair cutter means: soft like a baby’s hair.

I’ve heard in Korea there are barber shops where you can get a haircut and a blowjob.
I’m not sure if it’s really true.
I’ve visited Korea 3 times, but I’ve never needed a haircut yet.

At work I see the same students,
at the same time,
on the same day of the week.
Sometimes for years.

I usually do my laundry on the weekends, so I start the week with all clean clothes.

I have my favourite shirts, and unconsciously wear them in the same order every day of the week.

Some of my students have probably seen me wear the same shirt every week for months on end.

I can’t wait for warmer weather, so I can start wearing my 5 t-shirts!

I like the red card idea in football/soccer.

I’ve told you what you’ve done wrong, and now I’m going to pull a red card out of my shirt pocket just in case you didn’t understand me.

I should start carrying around a red card.

serious body odor! red card

bad manners: nose picking at stop lights, cutting toenails in public, saying bad things about Pink Floyd. red card

taking calls on your cellphone in the movie theatre. red card

counting out $20 of change at the supermarket check-out. red card

losing my books, keys, Cds. red card

poor fashion sense. red card

I think you won’t be able to field a team tomorrow.

I might just get a whistle too.

As a rule, I don’t find pregnant women sexy.

In most countries the women blimp out or wear big baggie maternity clothes. These are not on my sexy things list. The fact that they are lugging around another human inside of them, that I had nothing to do with, doesn’t help either.

If life were a board game, then pregnant women would be sitting on the Miss a Turn square.
No one should be passing them the dice.

In Argentina, slim pregnant women in revealing clothes strolling along the streets made me question my long held opinion.
They looked pretty good flaunting their bellies, but still as a rule pregnant women aren’t really sexy.

Two years ago while walking on a lonely beach in Brazil, there was a woman walking towards me. She was pushing a beach stroller with a kid in it.
A woman with a child can be sexy all she wants: it’s in my rule book.

She had a nice body and a very small bikini. The closer she got the better she looked. Nicely tanned Yummy Mummy I was thinking, while unconsciously sucking in my stomach.
When we finally passed each other, I saw her profile.
She was about 8 months pregnant with a big round belly.

I need my depth perception checked.

She must have been an Argentine!

I finally finished the 12 pack of one ply toilet paper I bought by mistake.

As a single guy, it lasted far too long.
Just when I thought I could open the two ply pack, there were always a few more rolls of the dreaded one ply to get through.
What was I thinking when I bought it?
It looked so nice on the shelf: fluffy, strong, bouncy, and attractive.
How was I to know it was all a lie?

Who buys one ply anyway?

Truck stops, Service areas, cheap restaurants, department stores. The list goes on and on….

Now I am back on easy streets, living in the lap of luxury.

No more dreaded shuffling off to the toilet for me!

note: I’m buying 6 ply next time.

They are comfortable and still look okay; but they are smelly.

I wear size 11/12 (28-30cm); not abnormally large, but in Japan it’s a mission to find this size.

I have to stockpile sometimes.

Usually the selection is bad: bright orange basketball hightops, velcro monstrosities, or fluorescent ones that scream alternative lifestyle!!

But today I have new ones on!

They look good!

I’m always amazed at how good new running shoes make me feel.

I should do this more often.

I have a jump in my step.

I feel healthier, I’ve become better looking!

 New Running Shoes!

 I don’t run in them though: I think I could today!

Anything is possible on new shoe day.

I feel lucky!