I Am The Cheese

My van is 15 years old.

It’s a reliable beast, but cutting edge technology it ain’t.

Roll up windows, arm-strong steering, and no sounds or lights to let me know when a door is open or I’m not wearing a seatbelt.

It is also equipped with a cassette tape player.

I have about 50 cassettes, nothing more recent than 1998. I rock out to Def Leppard, Tom Petty, Neil Young, Spin Doctors, Eddie Money, …

My friends laugh at me, ask me if I watch video discs and play Atari 2600 as well.

Recently a friend loaned me an adapter that plugs into the tape player, so I can listen to my i-pod now.

It’s great!

What music is on my i-pod?

Def Leppard, Tom Petty, Neil Young, Spin Doctors, Eddie Money, …

Yesterday I was just going to enter a parkade circular, so as to exit the parkade, when a car came out of my entrance.

I’ve never seen that before! That’s not allowed. Once you enter the spiral you have committed yourself to leaving the building. You can’t just pop out anywhere you like.

Someday I would like to drive up a parkade circular. Maybe I can bribe a parkade nightwatchman to live my dream.

It would be more fun if I could change my steering wheel to the right-side to do it though. Hugging the center I could really get up some speed like the drivers in The Fast and the Furious 2: Tokyo Drift. (crappiest movie ever)

In Japan the circulars are clockwise. I assume they are counter-clockwise in North America. I forget.

I forget which way water drains in the Northern and Southern hemispheres too. I guess I could go look in my toilet, if I really cared.

Visiting the Equator 3 years ago, someone demonstrated the water spinning phenomenon. It was just a trick, as we were only 2 meters on either side of the Equator. I think you have to be farther away to see a difference: at least 4 meters maybe.

Supposedly at the Equator it’s easier to balance an egg on the head of a nail also. Now I know why I’ve never been able to do that very well before.

note: I bet there are no parking circulars on the Equator.

When I drive on a sunny day, I roll down my window and suck in that fresh air.

Actually, my air-conditioner is pretty crappy, so I can either sweat it out or have that nice fresh air I was talking about in the first sentence.

I get a pretty good driving tan most years. People drive on the left side of the road here in Japan, so it’s my right arm that gets really brown.

I think of my driving tan as a cheap status symbol.

“Yes, I’ve been driving a lot recently; thank you for noticing. Why yes, the sun was out while I was driving.”

Most Japanese people drive with their windows rolled up tight and the air-con blasting. If they do have a window rolled down, it’s usually because they are at a drive-thru window picking up burgers. A lot of women wear long gloves to protect themselves from driving tan, or any other type of tanning. At least I think that is why they wear those long gloves; I could be wrong. Maybe they are all going to fancy garden parties where they eat cucumber sandwiches with no crusts and drink barely alcoholic drinks from long glasses.

Some people have a farmer’s tan; a lot of farmers have it for some reason. It looks ok, until the shirt comes off and then it just looks sad. Unless it is on a shirtless woman, then it looks pretty good.

I like the driving tan look better than the farmer tan look. 

But that’s just me.

I’m a driver, not a farmer. And I have the tan to prove it!

note: I guess a lot of farmers have driving tans, but you just can’t see them. Poor farmers.

What’s with some people?

I parked my van in an isolated spot in the parking lot so it wouldn’t get scratched, and some loser parks right next to me. 

He or she could have parked anywhere, but no…….  they chose to be jerks and picked the spot next to me.

Look how close they parked!

They are even over the designated parking lines!

Those lines are there for a reason: they are not guidelines you can just ignore.

I spent a lot of time making my van look good:

washing:10 minutes, 2 weeks ago

detailing: spraying the rust on my rear bumper with rust protectant, emptying ashtray, and putting on a classy bumpersticker.

Yes, that’s the remnants of another classy bumpersticker: Astroboy

When I saw this after returning from making important purchases involving canned ready-to-eat products, I can assure you I examined my van closely for scratches. There were lots of scratches, but none with yellow paint. (that car’s yellow paint at least)

I was lucky this time. 

Jiffy
definition: short period of time. (origin unknown, circa 18th century)

I know it’s been used before: jiffy marker, jiffy sponge, jiffy pop popcorn.

but

What a cool name for one of those little smart cars!

-Be there in a Jiffy!

-Save money and the environment in a Jiffy!

-Drive to work in a Jiffy!

-Be at the beach in a Jiffy!

Negative Press: He died in a Jiffy.

Bad news, but at least it was in a Jiffy! Not prolonged and drawn out.

note: possible specialized markets:

Alternative Lifestyle People: Spliffy

Women: Miffy or Tiffy

Trendsetters: Spiffy or Niffy-T

double note: rejected names - Iffy, Whiffy, and Siffy