Predictionaries

 

I have a predictionary: it tells me what might happen … but not in the right order.

 

note: I am unpredictionable: I don’t even know what might happen!

double note: when someone’s very unpredictable … that’s kind of predictable really.

triple note: predictionaries are like selective logging: not clear cut.

 

notes to myself #23

You miss the first month of  Grade 12 with mononucleosis, but you get out of taking Algebra … so it’s not all bad.

Cabin Fever

 

I was diagnosed with low grade cabin fever.

The doctor recommended walking.

It worked!

Now I’m looking for a bigger house so I can start jogging.

 

note: I don’t know how I got cabin fever: I live in a house.

double note: “cabinet fever” sounds really bad.

triple note: would buddhist monks get cabin fever?

quadruple note: a country’s isolationist policy just means a very big cabin fever … and possibly a headache for everyone else.

quintuple note: I haven’t heard any good “I spent a year by myself” stories that had a productive ending … except Steve Miller‘s “Fly Like An Eagle” album story.

sextuple note: on Planetross there are other people, just not too real.

 

notes to myself #22

It doesn’t matter when you go to the nextdoor neighbours on Halloween, they will save the good candy for you.

Crematoriums

 

I guess before man discovered fire,

…  cremations were not a thing of the passed.

 

note: there are so many different death rituals that have been practiced on this earth over the years, people don’t even agree on death ………….  rituals.

I guess death is disagreeable.

double note: on Planetross, when people die their hair just changes color.

 

notes to myself #21

You are the last born … but only by a few days.

Eating Hobbits

 

I haven’t been eating properly recently and it’s really noticeable.

… especially when I do laundry.

 

note: are stain patterned shirts ever in style?

double note: there might be a typo in the title.

triple note: sometimes I potting soil myself.

 

notes to myself #20

Be careful when Stu gives you a ride on his motorcycle; the exhaust pipe and your leg are not a good combination.

Creative Writhing: The Taking of Orders Part 2

If you haven’t read Part 1, it’s here.

 

Somewhere in the American Unorganized Territory 1850

 

It was easy to catch the thread of Rankin’s story as it unravelled.

He pasted the floor as he spoke: I was already glued to my chair.

“I was riding Of Course to Whitey the blacksmith with an ax to grind when a few trees knocked me off Of Course and he ran off at the mouth of the river.

The trees put up a pretty good fight, but I went all out on a limb with the ax and left them pining and kindling for better days. I was hunting around for my horse Of Course when the bushes bushwhacked* me. I whacked back, but soon found myself on thin ice … which I fell through.
I managed to pull myself out of the river further downstream, get out of my britches before they froze, and came here.”

Rankin had been lucky.

A similar freak event had happened to me a week earlier.

I had walked slowly in to some quicksand and quickly found myself over my head and grasping for air.
I would have been a goner for sure except a passing goat fancied my hat and tried to grab it as it floated on the quicksand’s surface. I grabbed on to the goat’s neck and it pulled me out.
I’ll always think of it as my personal escape goat.

Nature was against us for some reason.

Rankin and myself had been spared so far; our younger brother Otto hadn’t.

 

to be continued …

* S. Le‘s contribution to this amazingly saggy saga

Oppositting And Thinking

 

 

What is the opposite of “opposite”?

… the “same”?

How can it be the “same” word?

It should be the opposite … not the same!  … I mean not the same or opposite … I mean …

I’m confused.

 

note: sure opposites attract … if you are a magnet … or something.

double note: I know the reverse of “opposite” is “etisoppo“, but that fact isn’t going to win me any prizes. … maybe it’s just backwards.

triple note: “opposite seeing” is going anywhere that a few people I know aren’t.

 

notes to myself #19

Mom knows that pro wrestling is fake: I don’t know why she watches it!

Pajamas

 

I hate when someone sneaks up on me in my pajamas:

sneaking up on me in regular clothes is bad enough.

… the added insult of them wearing my pajamas, while doing it, is just too much!

 

note: I don’t have pajamas anymore … those sneak thieves have them all now.

double note: someone sneaking up on me with my morning face would be really scary!

triple note: I have never worn anything called “pajumpers” … it’s just a vicious rumor.

 

notes to myself #18

When you climb Mt. Rundle in Banff do not leave your cool jean jacket with the “Don’t Eat Yellow Snow” sew on badge behind a rock. You will never find it when you come back down.

Carrots

 

Are carrots good for eye sight because they have vitamins and stuff in them?

… or is it because they are bright orange and easy to see?

 

note: I can’t afford a reflective vest, so I just ride my bicycle at night with a pumpkin, some oranges, and a few carrots.

“No I won’t sell you any of these things!!! I’m not riding home in the dark! Duh!”

double note: okay I’ll show you the rabbit!

 

triple note: The carrot or the stick? … why can’t I just have carrot sticks?

 

notes to myself #17

Do not eat 5 Whoppers at Burger King in Budapest: the 5th one is going to have you sitting on the toilet for a week.
Don’t be such a pig! … only eat 4 Whoppers.

In And Out of Proportiousness

 

 

I bet Gulliver didn’t spend much money on booze when he was amongst the giants in “Brobdingnag”.

Lilliput would have been a bitch if he was trying to save money.

 

note: if I start hanging out with talking horses and shunning Yahoos, then I better move on swiftly.

double note:

“Where I am not understood, it shall be concluded that something very useful and profound is couched underneath.”
                                                                        Jonathan Swift

I wish I had said that.

 

notes to myself #16

When you are 9 do not watch “The Birds“: it’s going to give you nightmares.
You can watch Alfred Hitchcock movies without side effects later on in life.

Bedrock Bottom Shtick

 

As I shifted from one foot to the other I thought …

“maybe buying a Flintstone Mobile wasn’t the best idea”.

 

note: standard drives are shifty.

double note: sure I have a carpet in my van … it’s an air freshner called Stinky!

triple note: fishsticks to the roof of my mouth.

 

notes to myself #15

Mom usually knows when you’ve done something bad, but she really doesn’t want to know exactly what it is … unless formal charges are laid.