Pimples

Nobody likes pimples; and pimples like no body.

I guess that’s why they only have a head.

 

note: pimples are a real sore spot with some people.

double note: Oh that’s just great! There’s a blemish on my record! Gross!

 

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The Package

I was informed a few weeks ago that a package was on the way to the residence where I live a lot …  all of the time by Epicurienne.

Usually I get a slip from the post office telling me that they came by at the usual time when they knew that I wasn’t going to be here and I should bring 3 types of ID, preferably mine,  to the post office and sign my name several times just to make sure that I am who I am: there must be a few planetrosses in town living at the same address as myself that I am not aware of.

But … this time they actually slid the parcel through my mail slot!

The outer package was your basic airmail type pouch, so I was weary about it and opened it thoroughly using guns, knives, broken glass, and other kitchen utensils. I’d show a picture of it, but it has my address on it and I don’t want everyone sending me amazing gifts all the time.

The inner package contained the word “Monkey” so I knew this was for me.

On the back were a lot of words that were pretty big; so I used bigger guns, bigger knives, bigger broken glasses, and other kitchen utensils and a few bathroom utensils to break in to this one.

There was an envelope just dripping with kryptonite inside, but  … I ain’t superman baby!
“To: the Planet with an Attitude” was written on the outside. Hey! I’m not making this stuff up!
… and if I was, my big brother can beat up your big brother; so what ya gonna do about it … until you grow up and become a cop and arrest me on trumped up charges that my brother can’t get me off of because he became a responsible citizen instead of a lawyer.

Anyway, the card inside must have cost a lot to have made with my name written on it professionally.

I’d show you the inside of the card, but you would just get all jealous because of all the nice stuff she says about me … like:

“I wish you had a split personality so you would even be more personable than you already are.”

and

“If someone threw all the comedians in the world into a big blender and mixed them up, you would still be way funnier than that!“

and

“I wish animals could read, so they could enjoy your blog too.“

and

“I bet you even eat, sleep, and look funny.“

So now that I was in my Ego Booster Chair, I unwrapped the gift …

 

A very cool book right up my dead end alley of reading!

“March Hares and Monkeys’ Uncles” by Harry Oliver! (that’s the name on the book: I’m not making this stuff up!)

Thank you very much Epicurienne!

 

note: this was a “hare-y” present, but … check out nathaliewithanh‘s blog for the ultimate “Very Hairy Christmas Card“.

double note: Hey Dan Reynolds! ( great cartoonist) I finally figured out who drew the cartoon you commented on. His name is Eric Decetis. You two should talk about what came first:  the lost rabbit or the lost dog.

 

 

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Oh No!

 

Oh No!  Love Cats!

ba ba bup bup bup bup ba ba  ba ba ba …

 

note: We’re so wonderfully wonderfully wonderfully
              Wonderfully pretty!

double note: I have The Cure  … and I haven’t even got sick yet! I think I’m catching a tune though.

triple note: the only reason I bought this figurine was so I could write this blog: how sad am I?  … pretty sad I guess.

quadruple note: don’t worry I haven’t found the plot or anything; I’ll be back to lose the plot later.

 

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Invisible Lines

 

Why is it okay to try on someone’s glasses and say, “Man! your eyesight is messed up.” … or hop around on someone with a broken leg’s crutches and say, “How can you hobble around on these things?“

but … if you try to wheel yourself around in someone’s wheelchair or put someone’s toupee on, you are the biggest prick in the world!

There should be a rulebook or something about this.

 

note: hearing aids … I don’t know about.

double note: if I’ve offended anyone, I haven’t meant to.

triple note: this is the best Christmas present I have received for a very long time. Someone is a mad person!!!!!

*SPECIAL NOTE: I think I’ve put on 5 entries tonight. I may have other stuff to do this weekend … but maybe not.

 

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Unseamly

If my pants rip, I should take them to a seamstress;

but … seam stress caused my pants to rip in the first place!

They’ve got this whole market all sewn up, so it seams!

 

note: Can a songstress do anything about ripped music?

double note: I think my pants are stressing out! I need to lose a few kilos or a few more pounds or whatever one weighs themselves in these days.

triple note: I did my own gravatar of my avatar.

 

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Pylons

.

Are traffic cones/witches’ hats called “pylons” because they “pile on” top of each other to form a nice stack?

… or is it only me that thinks this?

 

note: I had to know, so I looked it up . I have been misinformed all these years.

double note: I don’t think I’m wrong about “smores” (I want some more), but …
“rollmops” (take strips of pickled herring and roll ‘em up around a pickled baby onion) and “gesunder” ( a bedpan that goes under the bed) I’m not too sure about.

 

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Semi-Unconscious

 

I spent half the day running around in semi-circles!

 

note: I go to work; I come home. It’s a vicious semi-circle.

double note: windshield wipers must get really bored.

triple note: If I had half a brain, I’d run semi-circles around you.

 

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Bi-illogical Clocks

.

I know some people in different time zones;
… their bodies live in the same city as me, but their minds are elsewhere.

They say things like:

“It’s not my birthday until tomorrow really.“

 ”I’m tired because it’s really one o’clock in the morning for me”. (from a person who hasn’t travelled further than the nearest 7-11 for the last 2 years)

They are living  3 hours in the past … or 8 hours in the future!
… but definitely not here.

 

note: things get worse when the person is from the southern hemisphere. “It’s so hot in (insert country here) now; winter in January … weird!“

double note: watches and calendars are misaligned and not to be trusted.

triple note: If your flight is delayed, can you get terminal jetlag?

 

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Cerebral Vortexes

Is asking hypothetical questions to imaginary friends strange?

They don’t answer them … usually. 

Stupid imaginary friends!

I’m not asking them stuff anymore!

 

note: People who ask imaginary questions to hypothetical friends are in to non-existentialism possibly.

double note: imaginary friendship bracelets look better than real ones.

 

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Polar Bear Swims

Why are Polar Bear Swims always in cold water?

I’m sure polar bears swim in the summer months too!

 

note: polar bears kind of do a dog paddle type swim, but people aren’t getting all crazy over that one for some reason.

double note: Do polar bears just call them “swims”?

triple note: I was going to mention “bipolar bears“, but a million other people have already done that joke to death.
So …
I don’t think people should buy polar bear stuff or else it will be bye bye polar bears. (sad face)

 

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